ruby bites

beta blogger

2006-09-30T11:29:00.000-07:00

of beta blogger i can say this:

a nice little pond. it is clean. it is neat.
the water is warm. there is plenty to eat.
the pitbulls have everything pitbulls might need.
and they are all happy. quite happy indeed.

in short, i like it. and ruby is happy as a clam to be back rocking again.

i was unable to figure out how to change the format of rubybites into beta so i just said feck it and started from scratch.

you can find ruby and all her friends here:

ruby rocks

ruby rocks in beta

2006-09-28T13:19:00.000-07:00

i don't know anything about this beta deal. but i got to thinking maybe the name "ruby rocks" is available in beta. to my great delight it was available and i scooped it up. so i now have ruby rocks in beta.

the first thing i did was forget my password and lock myself out for a few hours. the second thing i did was take a nap. i've always found that when the going gets tough, nothing beats a nap. so i'm refreshed and fecking well locked out of ruby rocks again but i have high hopes.

there seems to be a trick to it that has eluded me so far. i'm about to yell "serenity now" and show this computer where the bear shit in the bucket but everytime i do that, i end up regretting it wishing i took a nap instead.

in any case, serenity now!

dead souls - a pleasant surprise

2006-09-26T18:17:00.000-07:00

this fecking ninja training is killing me. i'm too fecking sore and tired to do much.

on a positive note, "dead souls" by gogol is a real hoot. i'm about half way through it and it's quite funny. rather than glorifying mother russia, he pokes fun at the ruling and middle classes. i'm pretty sure i'll finish it which will be a nice accomplishment. i'm sure i've started this book a few times and never finished.

i couldn't stand all the self promotion and bullshit by the nfl around new orleans so i switched off the game and threw "mars attacks" into the dvd. i was given a copy for christmas and never got around to watching it because i haven't been drinking. i always liked to have a few drinks and smokes watching that movie so i waiting for this stage of sobriety to end but i gave in and watched it sober.

it was still i good movie but i kept thinking, this would be uber cool with a nice buzz. i would have to put "mars attacks" in my all time top 10 list. my favorite line, "don't run, we are your friends". love those fecking martians.

my friend the pope

2006-09-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

poor old benedict has been taking a bit of heat for his statements on islam and mohammed and the boys. it seems these muslims are easliy offended. while we have been on the edge of our chairs waiting for the outcome of this little spat the real god has not been consulted.

what does XENU think of all this? where the feck are tom cruise and john travolta when you need them. in case you're not familiar with XENU, here's a little of the "good news" according to l ron hubbard:

On the "advanced" levels (called OT levels) above the state of "Clear" they encounter the story of Xenu. Xenu was supposed to have gathered up all the overpopulation in this sector of the galaxy, brought them to Earth and then exterminated them using hydrogen bombs. The souls of these murdered people are then supposed to infest the body of everyone. They are called "body thetans". On the advanced levels of Scientology a person "audits out" these body thetans telepathically by getting them to re-experience their being exterminated by hydrogen bombs. So people on these levels assume all their bad thoughts and faulty memories are due to these body thetans infesting every part of their body and influencing them mentally. Many Scientologists go raving mad at this point if they have not done so already.

end quote.

i think there is a very real possiblity that one of the evil thetans has taken over the body of benedict and having a little fun at the expense of the vatican. i wouldn't want to be XENU when bendict and the boys figure this one out. there may be a final solution in the offing for all the thetans. they picked the wrong guys this time.

my new hero

2006-09-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

i saw hugo on the daily show the other night and he stole the show. all the other gas bags at the UN had no showmanship whatsoever. but hugo, he had the crowd in the palm of his hand. here's part of his speech:'

"Yesterday, the devil came here, right here, and it smells of sulfur still today," said Hugo Chavez. "Yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, from this rostrum, the president of the United States, the gentleman to whom I refer as the devil, came here talking as if he owned the world."

he has also said some other good stuff in the past. on other subjects:

The great provocateur

This populist leader, who never missed an opportunity to address the nation, once described oil executives as living in "luxury chalets where they perform orgies, drinking whisky".

Church leaders in this overwhelmingly Roman Catholic country fared no better. "They do not walk in... the path of Christ," said Mr Chavez at one stage.

i have only one problem with hugo, why does he align himself with that little weasal from iran. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, shit i can't even pronounce his name but i can tell he's one tricky little guy. i think hugo should count his fingers every time he shakes hands with mahmoud.

the best thing about chavez, they named the literary science fiction awards after him. it is indeed an honor to win a hugo.

heinlein won the hugo in 1962 for stranger in a strange land.

frank herbert tied for the hugo in 1966 for dune. (he got ripped off)

if i was talking to the lovely mrs myshkin i'd ask her if we could have another kid and name him hugo. i got two chances on that one and slim just left town.

back to ruby's adventure

2006-09-20T16:30:00.000-07:00

why are dogs so fecking more photogenic than people?

it must be the lighting or have something to do with one of einsteins theories of bending light. i'm really a handsome devil ;) but next to ruby i look like a piece of shit.

back to ruby's adventure. yes, the lovely mrs myshkin admits to being responsible for leaving the gate open. she does not however admit to any blame. according to her there is a difference in being responsible for something and being to blame for something. in a nut shell, those who are to blame get fired while those responsible delegate blame. the lovely mrs myshkin seems to have delegated the responsibility of closing the gate to someone else. therein lies the problem.

i have a different point of view, she who opens the fucking gate, also closes the fucking gate. the two of us are like the pope and the muslims right now. not only do we disagree, we aren't on speaking terms. the lovely mrs myshkin has left the gate open several times so in my mind she is a recidivist. fecking recidivists are tougher to deal with than fundamentalists. she might even be a fundamentalist revisionist recidivist for all i know.

this ain't over by a long shot.

days gone by

2006-09-19T16:03:00.000-07:00

this was good old rocket and jack the turtle.

rocket was a noble beast. she was the opposite of ruby. rocket never had to go on a leash. she was smart and excercised good judgement. ruby isn't stupid, she just doesn't excercise any judgement at all.

i found rocket at a shelter and couldn't figure out why someone would get rid of such a beautiful well mannered dog. she had been abused and would cringe if you raised your voice. she didn't bark at anything for about a year after we got her.

after about a month i figured out why she had been abandoned. she was lactose intolerant. if you gave her any dairy products, there would be a big mess to clean up. the lovely mrs myshkin never hesitated to feed her any table scraps without thinking about the consequences. it led to some good arguments.

jack the turtle was a prick. i can't count the number of times he bit me. it was always the same. he would make a mess of the tank and i would stick my hand in to straighten things out while keeping an eye on a ball game on tv instead of keeping an eye on jack. i guess he thought my fingers were big fat worms. several times i held him up and threatened him with turtle soup if he bit me again but he knew i was bluffing.

jack the prick went into a semi hibernation every winter. one spring he never started eating and i was worried so i took him to a lake that was full of turtles and set him free. to this day i often go to the lake and try to find him. it usually stresses me out a great deal because there are always chinese kids trying to catch the turtles and i don't want jack to end up in the soup pot.

times gone by.

ruby's big day

2006-09-17T15:50:00.000-07:00

the lovely mrs myshkin left the gate open today and guess what happened.

ruby took herself for a walk.

she had been outside for about half an hour and i hadn't heard any barking. that is really rare for ruby. she usually finds something to attack about every 10 minutes. i went to look for her and she was gone. i noticed the gate was open.

i panicked and ran around in circles swearing for a few minutes then organized the angels into a search party. they were to search the neigborhood on foot while i drove to her favorite parks. i had visions of ruby being hit by a car or running into some old bag walking a miniature purebred whiner and eating it.

just as i was hopping in the car, the big angel came up the driveway with ruby. ruby was sprinting and her tail was wagging like crazy. this has happened before. big tough ruby gets a little nervous when she faces the cruel outside world and is happy as a clam when she returns to her own magic kingdom. i won't take ruby for granted for the next week or so and will treat her like the princess she is.

the lovely mrs myshkin is another story. she deserves to be punished for leaving the gate open. revenge is a dish best served cold, besides the redskins and cowboys are playing in an hour or so and i don't want to argue when the big game is on.

i got dunked

2006-09-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

i don't remember the experience but i'm told i was baptized. my baptism was special.

when i first learned of it i was pissed. as a teenager it rubbed me the wrong way when i heard that my soul have been given to some petulant god and his son without asking my permission. the details of my baptism amused me so i didn't get to angry. there was a cosmic balance to it that prevented me from getting too upset.

i was baptized in a prison by a padre whose main responsibility was administering last rights to condemned prisoners. my uncle was a prison guard at the time and was pals with the padre. one saturday my dad and uncle had a little too much to drink and decided to do the women folk a favor. they decided to get a few of us kids baptized.

in those days drinking a driving wasn't the mortal sin it is today. seatbelts and carseats for infants were unheard of. so my dad and uncle loaded me and two cousins into an old vauxhall and took us to prison to get baptized. like i said earlier, i don't remember a thing. i only know the story and smile everytime i think of it.

i don't know what makes me smile more, the fact i got baptized in a prison or the picture of my dad and uncle getting drunk and taking us to prison then returning home to face their angry wives.

now that i'm older, i'm glad i was baptized. shit, i could even be talked into doing it again if i had a holodeck like the one on the enterprise and could re-create everything exactly the same as it was 50 years ago. my uncle is dead but good old dad is still going strong.

i was dunked by a prison padre on the instructions of 2 drunken vikings.

so i got that going for me too, which is nice.

head up arse

2006-09-14T15:50:00.000-07:00

i just heard that tony blair has been offered a position at the "carlyle group". the story came out on aug 21 and i just heard it now. my head must have been firmly up the old arse that day. or maybe i was on trafalmador. i can't figure out how i missed this one but in my little world, this is big news.

the "carlyle group" is an insidious of businessmen that specialize in the industrial defense industry. the members are a who's who of power and corruption. take a look at the link below:

the carlyle group

i'm not sure that good old tony has officially accepted the position but i'm sure the money is very tempting. tony is the leader of the labour party in britain. in my little mind, that makes him a lefty. (yeah right) the bushes are republicans which in my little mind would make them righties.

lefty and righty are only labels and marketing gimmicks, the name of the game is money and it seems tony knows how to use the rules to his advantage. it's like me and ruby are in a little boat being pulled through tunnels with murals of many different nations and an irritating little song stuck in our heads that won't quit playing, "it's a small world".

i wonder if tony is going to spend christmas on the ranch with george and the bin ladens?

can update

2006-09-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

it's been a historic few days. last year i collected a total of $375.00 in empty beer and pop cans in my journeys.

drum roll please.....

as of today my total for 2006 stands at $381.75!!!

i broke the old record and there's still 2.5 months left in the year. on the down side these next few months will be slow. the utes don't drink their brains out in the parks when the weather gets cold.

that's only my first bit of good news. i've been uninvited to the saturday sessions of karate. it seems that saturdays are reserved for the more experienced people to work on advanced techniques. i must say that i wasn't heartbroken when i got the news. it was hard to keep the smile off my face.

broke the can record, saturdays off;

it that isn't nice, what is?

nikolai gogol

2006-09-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

rational argument alone will never fully overcome those who simply and passionately believe.

..............gogol

that gogol, he was a smart guy. a bit of an anti semite but a smart guy.

i went to the library to pick up dead souls and also picked up a copy of "taras bulba" because it was a brand new copy and it looked so nice. taras bulba is a short book so i've finished it already. i thoroughly enjoyed it and am debating whether to tackle dead souls or go something a little easier.

i think the idea of rational argument not being able to overcome passion goes a long way in explaining why some politicians get elected despite their seemingly irrational actions. it explains why i like rasslin, i passionately believe in ric flair.

that's all i have to say, i have to rest up before my 90 minutes of torture tonight.

poor little slick willy

2006-09-10T05:51:00.000-07:00

so poor old clinton is pissed that someone might say something negative about him on tv. well, boo hoo.

if i remember correctly slick willy got that nickname for a reason. he was slick and he was slippery. look at the fortune he's made on book deals and public speaking since he retired. the only saving grace is he has to face satan every night; hillary.

i'm a lefty so don't think i rambling on in support of bush. i just happen to think slick willy was no angel. his publicist has just had a really easy job reshaping his image due to the nitwit that followed him. (apologies to mr wit from ohio)

i can't figure out why he's so pissed about some stupid mini series airing tonight and monday. has anyone told him that football season starts this weekend and all the normal people will be watching the games sunday and monday night. anyone watching the stupid mini series will have already made up their mind on the whole 9/11 deal. all the beer drinking impressionable soles who are influenced by advertising and hype will be watching the greatest spectacle of greed in north america at the present time, the nfl.

in case you like the picture there's lots more here:

http://www.talkingpresidents.com

i have to go looking for cans so i don't have time to make a link

ruby really does bite!

2006-09-08T11:27:00.000-07:00

Ruby strikes again

this time she bit a 70 year old lady who was a guest in our house. the lady was trying to be nice to ruby and ended up invading ruby's comfort zone. she suffered 2 cuts to her index finger, a nice cut on her wrist and a long cut on her elbow. ruby doesn't let strangers get to close to her. if anyone trys to pet her too aggressively, she bites. i've lost track of the number of people she has bitten. there are times when i wonder if ruby is worth the all trouble she causes.

on the positive side not many people like coming over to our house. which can be nice.

i'm in agony after karate last night. as we were finishing up the sensai informed the
class that the saturday session would start at 9:30 and end at 12:30. holy mother of pearl, that's 3 hours. 90 fecking minutes almost killed me.

i'm reminded of gilligan's island...a three hour tour, a three hour tour.

we all know what happend to the castaways. i'm fecked!

poor little pitiful me

2006-09-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

i think that's a jackson browne song.

the reason i'm drowning in self pity right now is in a moment of insanity i signed up for karate. my first class was last night and i'm aching all over right now. i have to go back tomorrow night. i figured the best way to make sure i stuck with it was to pay my dues for a year. if nothing else, i'm cheap and quitting now would be like throwing away thousands of empty beer cans and that ain't gonna happen.

the lesson last night lasted 90 minutes. after about 15 minutes i was sweating like a pig. my eyes were stinging due to the salty sweat running down my old wrinkled forehead. by the end of the class i was numb and must have looked like a moron unable to respond to simple commands.

3 lessons a week X 52 weeks = 156 lessons.

1 down 155 to go.

poor little pitiful me.

time for war, shiva vs the goddess

2006-09-04T10:51:00.000-07:00

i'm so fecking pissed i could spit.

the goddess put a curse on me for not giving her credit regarding my good fortune in finding a new wheel. she said i was going to get another flat tire.

guess what happenned today, i got another flat tire!!!! this time it was the rear wheel which is a lot trickier to fix with the gears and all. it's also a lot messier due to all the grease and oil on the gears.

the flat occurred at about the fartherest point from home on my route. so i had that going against me too!! i had to walk it home with my sore knee. when i got it home and inspected in i foung a big glass shard in the tire, it made a good sized hole. i decided the tire and the tube needed to be replaced. there is another bike in the house that is owned by a non rider and is never ridden. i switched a few parts and once again bob's your uncle. i used latex gloves for the operation so i even escaped with clean hands.

after i got the wheel repaired, i got the littlest ninja to drive me to the gas station. i combined a driving lesson with the need for air. so far it works. no leaks. josh was right, shiva's bike repair has a nice ring to it. now he must avenge the wrong that has been perpetrated on poor little me.

the end result of this is the black russian is living on borrowed time. i'll consider the first flat to be an oral reprimand, todays flat will be the written reprimand. the next flat will be dismissal, the junk heap. i think i'm being more than fair with the ingrate of a fecking commie bike by using progressive discipline. stalin was never so kind.

on another point, me and shiva haven't forgotten about the goddess. i'm leaving this in shiva's hands. i have neither the time nor the inclination to battle the goddess but the desroyer of all worlds is on the case. i only had one bit of advice to lord shiva, revenge is a dish best served cold.

mystery solved, there is a god

2006-09-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

There is a god and he/she/it loves me.

the last few days i've been moaning and groaning about my flat bicycle tire. yesterday i bought a new inner tube(self sealing top of the line) and it went flat after 30 minutes. i returned it and got my money back. (it never hurts to try) i think the tube was fine but my rim or tire destroyed it so i was happy that they gave my money back.

i was in a pickle. buy a new rim or scrap the bike because i could probably buy a used bike for the price of new rim and tire. i was going to try a pawn shop that has mountains of bike parts.

as i was on the can route this morning i headed down a path and there was a bicylce rim complete with a choice inflated tire right before my eyes. now i didn't fall off the turnip truck yesteday so i scooped it up and headed home. luckily the science officer was home so he took my photo with the new tire to preserve the moment for future generations. the moment old leo truly had his faith rewarded and god gave him a sign. the new wheel is on top in the photo with the junker on the bottom.

when i went to put new wheel on it was too wide for my old forks. i thought about it for a nano second and went to the trusty corollla. i got the jack out of the trunk and placed it between the end of the bicycle forks and gave it a few turns. the forks spread and bobs your uncle. the new wheel fit like a glove.

now my only problem is which god gave it to me. i like to cover all the bases and have tributes to most of the major gods in the house. i'm leaning towards shiva because the gold shiva pendant was the most recent religious addition to my collection.

so, lord shiva, destroyer of worlds, loves me.

so i got that going for me too, which is uber nice!!

bob dylan - modern times

2006-09-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

i picked up a copy of dylan's modern times yesterday. i had read several reviews on the album and decided to throw in my two bits worth.

firstly, i think most music critics are a pain in the ass. the stuff they write is more a tribute to themselves than an honest review of the material they writing about. before boring anyone to death here is my review:

i like it!

that was easy. back to the critics. these wonderful people tend to over analyze and complicate things are not going to affect the quality of life on earth. i bought "time out of mind" when it was first released and thought it was so so. but the more i listened to it the more i liked it. i think this was due to the fact i got over my expectations and just took the album for what is was rather than what i wanted it to be. when it was first released, it got mixed reviews from the critics but is now referred to as a masterpiece. it seems the critics changed their tune after the commercial success and grammy wins.

modern times is easy on the senses and i think it's a excellent reflection of a 65 year old man compared to the shit mick jagger and the stones put out these days. if you accept bob for what he is in 2006 and don't go looking for the messiah many people thought he was in the 60's you should like this album. after all he's just a song and dance man and this album provides some nice dancing music.

good news, bad news

2006-09-01T10:24:00.000-07:00

the good news is sonny is home safe and sound. it's almost like he never left. it's good to have an always cheerful science officer in the house. he turned down the idea of being promoted to sub commander. he puts his faith in science. unfortunately, i'm a cynic and i've put my faith in human greed and intolerance but that's another story. the world needs more science officers and fewer military men. so it goes.

the science officer fixed my computer problems very quickly and explained what he did. things operate differently now but i didn't have the heart to tell him that i didn't have a clue what he was talking about. i'll wait a few days and pretend that i forgot how things work and ask him to explain it again.

now the bad news. the black russian has a flat tire. i took the tire off and determined that the tube can't be fixed. the leak is along a seam and i've never had any luck patching a leak in a seam. worse yet, the rubber liner that prevents the tube from getting damaged from the spoke anchors is shot, kaput, falling apart. i washed the hole deal this morning and it's drying in the sun. when it's dry i'll try and jerry rig a new liner. then tomorrow it's off to the store for a new inner tube.

if all goes well, the tube will pop in and i'll ride the red rocket to the gas station with the black russian's wheel under my arm and get some air.

with any luck i'll be like willie nelson: "on the road again"

fate, karma, kismet

2006-08-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

i'm a classy guy, i like the soparanos and my favorite character is peter paul gualtierie, aka PAULIE WALNUTS

my favorite episode was when paulie and chris take the big russian out in the woods to kill him and things go wrong. the russian just won't die. i saw it years ago and couldn't remember which episode it was so i started at the beginning of season 2 and started watching every episode until i found it. last night i found it.

season 3, episode 11
season 3, episode 11
season 3, episode 11

i keep repeating that so i won't forget it. when i watched it last night it was even better than i remembered. my main reason for liking it so much was that it featured paulie in a lot of the scenes. paulie is both a murderous and a hilarious character. but watching again last night i gained a whole new insight into why i might have liked it so much.

watching paulie and chris marching the big, poorly dressed russian to his death in the snow reminded me of slaughter house five. as the episode progressed it became more like slaugherhouse five. paulie lost a shoe and had to make one out of some carpet he pulled from an old abandoned van. anyone remember billy pilgrim bobbing up and down as he was marched through the snow in mismatched shoes and a womans coat?

it was a fecking classic, and after spending 1 hour and 47 minutes stuck in an elevator dreaming of grushenka's onion, pushing the play button on the dvd and running smack into the russian episode of the sopranos i had been seeking was fate. or maybe somebody up there just likes me.

so i got that going for me too, which is nice.

the elevator and the onion

2006-08-29T16:29:00.000-07:00

it finally happened to me.

at the ripe old age of 51 i got stuck in an elevator today. i was stuck in the fucking thing for 1 hour and 47 minutes. i wasn't happy.

i paced and swore into the emergency phone, the guy on the other end kept telling help was on it's way and i'd be out any minute.

so what did i think about in the elevator? the wife, the kids, the job, ruby? no, no, no and no.

i thought about "grushenka's onion"

if you're a dostoevsky fan you probably know what i'm talking about. grushenka was a tough miserly woman in the brother's karamozov who gave away an onion and wondered if that was enough to save her soul and get her into heaven.

i also thought about valentine michael smith from stranger in a strange land because he was an expert in calming down and waiting for the right moment.

so i spent 1 hour 47 minutes grokking a fucking onion.

if that isn't nice, what is?

ain't nothing in the world....

2006-08-28T16:09:00.000-07:00

......like home grown tomatoes!

like the guy clarke song says, ain't nothing in the world like home grown tomatoes.

well, home grown other stuff is pretty good too but you can get in trouble for growing it and theres also a good chance some nogoodnik will steal it if you don't hide it real good.

back to the tomaters. the picture is part of my dad's garden. the tomatoes are his pride and joy and i love to help him eat them. nothing can fix up a lousy burger or dry sandwich like a home grown tomato. the problem is they all ripen at the same time so you have to eat them like crazy then before you know it, they're gone.

i'll be hopping on the bike to ride over to his house later and pick up another bag of the red beauties. i guess i take the red rocket to match the tomatoes.

on another note, sonny returns home in about 3 days. he's all fired up to buy some shares in a hot uranium mine the drillers and geologists have been touting. i can't decide whether to let him learn this expensive lesson on penny stocks the hard way or try and talk him out of it.

ted knight, dead 20 years

2006-08-27T05:31:00.000-07:00

yesterday marked the 20th anniversary of ted knight's death. ted was genuinely funny. he could be funny without a laugh track or profanity. you can't say that about many people today. if i were king, i'd shoot the prick that came up with the laugh track.

here are a few facts about ted:

The Resume

(December 7, 1923-August 26, 1986)
Born in Terryville, Connecticut
Birth name is Tadeus Wladyslaw Konopka
Acted in 'Caddyshack (1980)'
Starred as Ted Baxter on 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show' and Henry Rush on 'Too Close for Comfort'

Why he might be annoying

Before his comedic talents were discovered, he played minor villains and bit parts on and in movies.
His performance in 'Caddyshack' is the same as his performance on 'The Mary Tyler Moore Show.'
He looked like Barry Goldwater's long lost twin brother.
His self-titled show, the Ted Knight Show, tanked.
He made many guest appearences on 'The Love Boat.'

Why he might not be annoying

He won two Emmy's for his work on the Mary Tyler Moore Show (1973, 1976).
He did not seem to mind being typecast as an egotistical elitist.
He did a lot of voice work in cartoons and his voice was perfect for narrations.
He spoke fluent German.
He had a bit role at the end of the Alfred Hitchcock classic 'Psycho' (1960).
He died of cancer (1986).

this little tribute wouldn't be complete without a photo of ted in one the best roles ever created, judge smails.

valdimir voinovich, one funny guy

2006-08-26T09:46:00.000-07:00

years ago i stumbled upon valdimir voinovich purely by chance. i was at the public library looking for a vonnegut book that wasn't there. since the books were sorted alphabetically by author, voinovich was right next to good old kurt. i didn't want to go away empty handed so i took out moscow 2042. it was pretty good. not excellent but pretty good.

luckily i didn't give up on voinovich and next took out "The Life and Extraordinary Adventures of Private Ivan Chonkin" it was excellent, one of the funniest books i have ever read. a few years later i came across "Pretender to the Throne", this was the sequel to the life and extraordinary times of ivan chonkin. again, it was excellent, it had me laughing out loud.

a few days ago i stumbled across another voinovich book, "monumental propoganda". it was published in 2004 which would have made valdimir 72 years old when it was published. so far it's very funny.

the bonus of these books is the insight a western reader can get into the mind of an ordinary soviet citizen. i might have just fallen off the turnip truck but i don't think all the stuff we were told about the ruskies during the cold war was accurate. i'm assuming that their leaders said a few untruths about westerners during the same period.

if you want a good laugh, try The Life and Extraordinary Adventures of Private Ivan Chonkin.

you can probably guess that with a name like leo myshkin i'm a little biased.

the bastards, they killed pluto

2006-08-25T08:15:00.000-07:00

First they came for the Plutos
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Pluto.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left
to speak out for me.

where is the uproar, a whole fucking planet has been stripped of it's status. all these so called scientists and astronomers must have something better to do than have a giant conference and beat up on poor old pluto. who's next after pluto?

it could be a sweet little planet that is near and dear to all of our hearts.

if they don't go after earth, what's to stop these pricks from going after uranus?

uranus is a very important planet. it provides tony kornheiser and many other entertainers with a source of material. we must protect our planet.

i wonder who's behind all this? i suspect that mel gibson has a theory. i won't name mel's suspects but let's just say they rhyme with booze.

wow, george is getting fat

2006-08-23T15:58:00.000-07:00

wow it really looks like king george ate a lot of that pig they cooked in germany when he was getting a little fresh with the lady in charge of that wonderfully peaceful nation. king george looks way more full of himself than he usually does, it's almost as if he's thinking, "my name is rumplestilskin, tomorrow i get the oil"

in comparison to king george, take a gander at good old saddam. it looks like he's recovered quite well from his recent hunger strike. it's almost as is some nogoodnik was sneaking him a few samosas or falafels everynight.

on a related note, the rapture index hit 160 last week but fell to 158 this week. oh how i long for those good old days when the rapture index never got over 100.

what do you think scares me more, the rapture index or the lovely mrs myshkin?

more on shiva

2006-08-21T19:26:00.000-07:00

shiva is an important dude. josh hit the nail on the head, some call him destroyer of worlds while others call me destroyer of evil. in any case, he had a bad temper. just ask poor old ganesh.

the lovely mrs myshkin can't seem to grasp the importance of wearing the destroyer of worlds around my neck. she can't get past the fact that i neglected my chores and came home with magic beans. if she isn't careful, next time i come home with magic beans i'll be riding a new bicycle. i was planning on buying another new bike this year but i've fallen in love with the black russian. i can park it at the store with a cheap lock and nobody can be bothered stealing it.

in the past i always had an easy way to describe the difference between men and women. here it is:

women go to therapy because they want to

me go to therapy because the judge orders them to.

but after the little skirmish involving shiva i have to add another difference.

women are micromanagers

men are macromanagers.

in other words, don't bug us guys with little details. if some guy tells me he is the destroyer of worlds; that's going to catch my attention more than cutting the lawn or picking up some groceries.

i got some more stuff to say on shiva but i have to go watch some rasslin. you know, big picture stuff, not puny details.

bottle update

2006-08-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

today i got $1.90 in empty beer and pop/water bottles.

my year to date figure is $325.70 but the weather will soon be turning and the days of wine and roses will come to an end.

on friday i visited the punjab market and picket up a 22 karat lord shiva pendant. there went all my bottle money and then some. i spend my bottle money many times over. everytime i buy something frivolous i tell the lovely mrs myshkin that i paid for it out of my bottle money. on friday it didn't fly. i was supposed to be doing some chores and came home with magic beans.

the result is i'm on the shit list of the lovely mrs myshkin. as one of the brothers K said in fyodor's classic, "i am an honest and honorable man and will suffer disrespect from no one." taking this into account, i put the lovely mrs myshkin on my shit list too. i might be on her shit list but i have a turtle tattoo and a golden lord shiva.

so i got that going for me too, which is nice!

there be music here

2006-08-18T08:10:00.000-07:00

as scotty said: "CAPTAIN, THERE BE WHALES HERE"

in my case, there be music here. my music crisis is temporarily over. sonny emailed me and suggested that i download itunes from apple. i was a bit nervous becasue these things never work for me. not only did it work, the program re-sorted all my music files and did lots of cosmic stuff. when installing the program it asks you if you want to set up your own folders or let itunes do it for you. luckily i deferred to itunes. i now have music sorted into 71 genres. there is also a sorting by artist and a sorting by album where the song originated from. is this isn't nice what is?

sonny suggested a few other refinements but i think i'll wait for his return until i try and get fancy. i'd hate to lose what i now have.

god bless sonny

13 days until my science officer returns. i think i'll promote him to sub-commander.
this means he'll out rank the lovely mrs myshkin and the little ninja.

tough beans, he came through when the chips were down and restored my music. right now i'm listening to the be good tanyas doing an excellent cover of townes van zandt's "waiting around to die"

second most important decision of my life

2006-08-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

after months of soul searching i have finally made a huge decision....

here it is....

FUCK TV GUIDE

i've been a loyal subscriber for as long as i can remember but the time has come to cut the cord. a few years ago i was in a royal snit over an article they wrote and vowed not to renew my subscription but like most other tantrums, i forgot about it after a few drinks and a bit of the herb.

the article that pissed off was on star trek. it rated all the star trek captains against each other. i figured this was the biggest no brainer in the history of the known universe. the dumb fucker who wrote the article had kirk near the bottom. he even had archer above kirk. i couldn't believe what i was reading and vowed to quit my subscription but never got around to it. now i've made up my mind not to renew the subscription that should be expiring any week now.

there are 2 main reasons for not renewing it:

1. i can get all the info on the net and i don't lose the computer under a pile of newspapers like i do with tv guide at least once a day.

2. tv guide now lists a ton of digital channels i don't get and it drives me nuts reading through all these channels trying to figure out if i get the channel or not.

so there you have it, i've made the second biggest decision of my life and there's no going back on it. fuck tv guide.

ruby strikes

2006-08-14T16:10:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since ruby ripped anything up but she decided to get in a little practice on saturday. she was left alone and i guess the stuffed animal looked at her the wrong way. she ripped it up good. when she was younger this happenned almost everyday and she got in lots of trouble. this time she didn't get in any trouble. that stuffed animal was getting on my nerves too.

and after a good 10 minute workout ripping up a stuffed animal, time for a rest.

the tao of willie

2006-08-13T07:13:00.000-07:00

on friday i plunked my 50 cents down and got the book. i read about half of it yesterday, it's a real easy and fun read.

if you're an old fart you should already know most the stuff willie says in the book but it's a good thing to have it re-inforced by a cool dude like willie. he tells a lot of jokes, some are real good. i still remember a joke from one of his previous books and tell it quite often:

how do you turn a dishwasher into a snow plow?

give the bitch a shovel.

i think this book is a must read for younger people. so far my favorite line in it comes at the end of his chapter on marijuana where he extolls the virtues of marijuana over prescription drugs for stress relief:

"as my doctor says, an ounce of prevention........costs a whole lot more than it used to."

i don't think it'll replace "the sirens of titan" or "slaughterhouse five" as my number one source of insight into the human race. but hey, vonnegut can't sing as good as willie so why should willie be able to write as good as kurt.

somebody up there likes me.

2006-08-11T07:50:00.000-07:00

either somebody up there likes me or i'm a fecking genius or i'm just plain lucky.

i've been bitching about my lack of music on the computer. yesterday the problem was temporarily solved. it was almost like having the harmoniums tell me to turn the spaceship upsided down. (you'll have to read "the sirens of titan" to understand that one, you should read it anyway)

i hooked my chinese rca discman up to my powered computer speakers and i'm now rocking like a teenager. to add the intense positive karma is the fact that i had 2 refurbished mexican/chinese discman in reserve. brand new, sitting their boxes. so i opened up one of those for my travelling music and meditation helper. i wonder if that surplus store has anymore of these things in stock. i should go invest all of the lovely mrs myshkin's money in discmen.

behold the key to my fleeting happiness. my happiness will become more permanent when sonny returns. 20 days and counting. so i got that going for me too, which is nice.

time to relax

2006-08-09T15:49:00.000-07:00

what could be more soothing than hopping in a nice warm bath with condi? (photo from the onion)

i'd pay a dollar to see the look on the face of the lovely mrs myshkin if she were to walk in on me and condi in the tub.

i'm sitting here listening to some disco thinking of taking a bath with condi rice. as bb king said "how low can you get?" i still have a music crisis so i'm picking radio stations at random on windows media player. it's not all bad, i have a shit load of red jube jubes and the lovely mrs myshkin isn't home.

so i got that going for me too, which is nice.

the bank is totally straightened out until i fuck up and put in wrong codes again. i had to go in person and show some id to get temporary passwords then reset them. i tried to get my temporary passwords on the phone but i flunked the fucking test. they asked me a series of personal questions and i guess i got a few wrong. so some fucking asshole in a call center in india knows more about me than i do.

oh well, time to jump back into the tub with condi, i understand she doesn't like to be kept waiting.

how pissed am i?

2006-08-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

i'm so pissed off i can't even think of a corny picture to paste in!!

first, my problems are pretty insignificant compared to nancy's health problems. so i won't waste any time feeling sorry for myself, i just hope nancy regains her health soon.

let me count the ways i'm pissed off!!

1. i am without music on my computer. total fucking shutdown. i was zipping around different sites and some asshole had some automatic piece of shit video with music and it fucked up my media player somehow. i've tried tons of different stuff and no success. i even downloaded and installed a new version of media player, no luck. without sonny here to fix my problems i'm fucked, sonny come home.

2. it was my birthday a few days ago and sonny called me. i wasn't home so he left me a voice mail with lovely birthday greetings. it was my plan to listen to it everyday until he returns. the not so lovely mrs myshkin threw a fit and demanded that i erase it so she could quickly get her messages without having to bother skipping my message. she always demands that i quickly remove my messages. usually i don't care but this time i care.

i obediently removed the message but i am not happy. i so fucking mad i could spit!

the lovely mrs myshkin has 2 chances of getting her name included in my next tattoo. and slim just left town.

i'll cut my list of grievances short because the rest are really quite trivial compared to most other peoples problems but i want my music and sonny back.

oh yeah, that new fucking atm card i got has been a total fuck up transferring money and it has resulted in some overdrafts that weren't my fault. the bank finally corrected their mistakes. i told them i wanted a free umbrella for my troubles and they looked at me like i was nuts. they had the nerve to offer me some fucking air miles and bonus points. fuck em, i want an umbrella just like the one basil gave manuel on fawlty towers.

thank you for bearing with me. i'm off to pout and sulk in front of the tv.

what if

2006-08-07T11:40:00.000-07:00

what if......

i've been wondering, what if mel said something different when he got shit faced and the cops pulled him over?

what if mel had been pissed off at englishmen on that fateful night and yelled.."fucking english start all the wars" and then had the nerve to ask the cop "are you an englishman?" the ethnicity is interchangeable, you can insert the ethnicity of your choice and wonder what would be the result.

i'm no fan of mel, in fact i felt like kyle and stan after seeing the passion. i would have liked to been able to track down mel and ask for a refund but some things work better in cartoons than they work in real life.

i know nothing about mel, other than he's rich and his dad might be nuts. he has his own church but why not? if my wife made me go to church all the time i might build one in the back yard to minimize the travel time. maybe he did it for tax purposes. i understand that there are few tax loopholes associated with religion.

suppose you made this real popular movie and the jewish community bitched and squawked ad nauseum about the content. you might get a little pissed off with them and say something stupid after drinking too much.

some may think i'm an anti semite for saying this. if that's what you think, tough beans. i'm just anti religion period. the current dust up in the middle east is based on religious intolerance. 2 groups of weak minded people have been convinced by their holy men that god promised some dry arid piece of shit land to each of them. for what it's worth i think the vatican has more blood on it's hands than any other organised religion.

it really pisses ruby off that most people think pit bulls are more blood thirsty than humans.

we might be off base on this one but me and ruby are every bit as intransigent in our views as the jews, arabs and gibsons are in their views.

old jeans

2006-08-05T08:14:00.000-07:00

i love old jeans and find it really hard to throw them out. i've been promising to throw out the beauties above for a few months but i keep saying, one more wash. one of these days i'll throw them out but nothing beats an old pair of faded jeans with holes in the crotch on a hot day. i don't wear shorts because i hate fecking mosquitos don't want to give them any advantages.

i bought the jeans above at valu village several years ago for about $5.00 and have really got my moneys worth. second best $5.00 i ever spent. the picture isn't that great because i had to take it myself. the lovely mrs myshkin doesn't share my interest in the finer things in life so she declined to take the photo. she doesn't seem to be as interested in my crotch area as she once was. so it goes.

i got $3.00 in cans this morning. that's enough for a new pair of jeans of valu village but i just might treat myself and pick up a $10.00 pair. you only live once!

the rapture

2006-08-04T15:01:00.000-07:00

i watched the daily show last night and jon stewart mentioned the rapture index. i checked it out and it really does exist!! check it out:

The Rapture Index

i've been going through it and can't figure out if it's serious or tongue and cheek. i hope it's not another pro rasslin deal. it took me years to figure out if pro rasslin was real or not. (it's not)

in a nutshell, the rapture will occur at "the end times". things will come to a head in the middle east between the arabs and jews and god will say "fuck it", then smite a lot of innocent people. it is said that an army from the east (china or russia) will march on israel to trigger all this nasty stuff.

after thinking long and hard about this, i think there is one very important thing we must learn. does lebanon have any dollar stores? if there are dollar stores in lebanon and the jews blow them up, then the rapture is near. china is not going to sit idly by and watch their dollar stores get blowed up.

it's all been a clever ploy, king george has been looking for WMD's and has left the dollar stores undefended.

i think it's time to raise the rapture index a few points.

chemistry or physics

2006-08-03T11:12:00.000-07:00

i think it was mr spock who said: "for every action there is a reaction" i don't know if that logic falls under the category of chemistry or physics. i wish sonny was here to give me an answer. i'll have to wait 4 weeks for him to return and i have so many questions.

here is the action:

the action in the above photo results in the reaction below:

then on the other side of the world there is another reaction:

so we have this chain of events that either falls under the category of chemistry or physics. there is a third alternative, it best explains the bottom photo but probably is also applicable to the top 2 photos: stupidity.

finally the words of an old rabbi who willing to accept mel's apology:

better a repentant anti-semite
than an unrepentant anti-semite.

3 fecking pictures, i need a nap.

my head must have been up my arse.

2006-08-01T19:19:00.000-07:00

the things i've learned in the past few days!!

how could i have been so naive??

mel gibson a biggot! who kwew?

barbara walters a sensitive gentle creature! who knew?

now the big one. this one knocked my fucking socks off!

IPODS ARE DISPOSABLE!!!!!

Your book seems to give Apple a reasonably positive treatment. But what about the allegations that the iPod is engineered to die after 18 months or so?

Steve Jobs came out recently and pretty much admitted that the iPod should be thought of as a disposable product. It is a slick, sleek thing, and you would never consider that it comes from a fundamentally dirty industry. In fact, the amount of toxins that go into an iPod is enormous. There are more than 68 million of these things out there, and they are full of cadmium, beryllium and lead. And Apple has deliberately created them so they only last a year. The company has a voluntary take-back program, but how many people use it? They won't say. I am hugely personally disappointed in Steve Jobs. He turned into Darth Vader.

i copied that out of an enviromental piece. these lousy ipods cost a fortune and now i learn that they're engineered to fall apart in a year or so. this hits home because one of my angels bought one and the other plans to buy one. have i mentioned these fucking things aren't cheap. why hasn't bill nye or ralph nader brought this to everyones attention??

i'm looking like a fecking genius for buying 2 back up chinese (refurbished in mexico) discmen. my original discman is 4 years old and still working.

i bet mel gibson knows who's behind these ipods!! fecking jews, that's who.

this is killing me

2006-07-31T15:56:00.000-07:00

man, keeping my mouth shut about gibson and his jewish friends is killing me. there are so many insightful (childish) things i would like to add to the situation. on the bright side, think of the great south park episodes that can come of this. on the bad side, the boys at south park may forget about tom cruise for a while. so it goes.

gee, i wonder what mel and his pals were talking about as they got shit faced and basked in their self importance. but i'll refrain from speculating on the topics of discussion these wonderful people touched on as they over-indulged.

i can't wait for the up coming season of south park.

scab be gone!

2006-07-30T07:10:00.000-07:00

the scab has come off the tattoo. they told me it would take 4 to 10 days for the scab to come off. these guys are fecking geniuses, the first bits started coming off on day 4 and the last bit came off on day 10. now that's an exit strategy for scabs. king george ought to call these guys.

now that it's all over, i'm glad that i did it. i have to admit after day one i was having second thoughts. the time in the chair was no problem, dental work is more painful. but i wasn't ready for the after care. i don't like being covered in moisturizing cream and getting it on my shirt at the cracker factory was a pain in the arse. i still have to keep it moist for the next 2 weeks or so but i'm not going to put as much of the crap on anymore.

it's a good thing that i didn't do this until i turned 50. if i had started this 30 years ago, i'd probably be covered in them now. i'm already thinking about getting another one but have decided to wait until next summer. i don't want to take any of the glory away from the mighty turtle. if i was to go out and get something better than mr turtle, that would make mr turtle number 2. i want mr turtle to be number 1.

turtles were rocking long before pitbulls appeared on the planet.

israel vs hezzbollah

2006-07-28T15:36:00.000-07:00

who's crazier? the idf or hezzbollah

i just can't figure it out. first i thought there was a star trek analogy behind all the lunacy going on in the mid east. you know, where the prime directive was being broken by a higher life force who was using the primitive cultures for entertainment. me and ruby soon tired of that model. there had to be a logic behind all the shennanigans that didn't involve space ships and aliens. usually people who don't believe in space ships won't buy into my conspiracy theories.

so i have a new theory. it's those fucking mexicans that started the whole thing. a month or two ago you couldn't turn on cnn without seeing a program on illegal immigration and captain america, lou dobbs, was leading the charge. you see lou was still smarting over not being able to stop the outsourcing of jobs so he was determined to stop the insourcing of labor, namely mexicans.

the mexicans were nobody's fools. they quickly figured out that you don't fuck with lou dobbs. you might be able to buy off some senators and governors but that lou dobbs, he was a man of principal. so what to do?

easy, start a war in the middle east. so that's my theory. its those rascally mexicans trying do do an end run around captian america:

lou dobbs: one sanctimonious prick!

ruby or the war?

2006-07-27T07:47:00.000-07:00

a day without ruby is like a day without sunshine.

a day without war is like??? who the hell knows, there have been wars on this planet for the entire period of time that humans have been the dominant species.

so i'll have to babble on about ruby and keep my war thoughts bottled up a little longer. ruby used rock, then she bit, now she stinks.

i know it's not a nice thing to say about a lady but poor little ruby is smelling a bit off these days. the heat probably has something to do with it. the lovely mrs myshkin is always giving her baths. even with all these baths, poor little ruby continues to exude a strong unpleasant odor.

ruby likes to wrestle with me. it's a tricky situation at the best of times because i can't let ruby win but i also can't win myself or she gets pretty mad so it's just a matter of tying her up and wrestling to a draw. with her strong smell, the heat wave, and my fresh tattoo i'm not in a wrestling mood. the problem is ruby wants to wrestle almost every night and won't take no for an answer. the only thing i can do is plan the wrestling for just before i take a shower. so it goes, just another day in paradise.

my major rant

2006-07-23T04:27:00.000-07:00

i see this all the time and it really bugs me but in the hot weather it makes me wish i had a rocket launcher.

i'm talking about assholes who take their dogs for a run while they ride a bike. the poor dog is running like shit while some ignorant asshole thinks he's (sometimes she) thinks he's doing the dog a favor by taking it for a run.

if you want to take your dog for a run, fine. but you can fucking well run along side your dog so you can appreciate what the poor beast is going through. dogs get very overheated and dehydrated but some stupid assholes just can't figure this out. dogs don't sweat, they overheat. they can't even pant while running because they're too busy trying to get oxygen to their muscles.

yesterday i saw a young guy riding a bike with his dog running behind him. it was some sort of a long haired spaniel/setter cross. it looked like it was in considerable discomfort. this moron even had a racing type bike, skinny tires and lowered handle bars so he wasn't just creeping along.

that's my beef, if you want to take your dog for a run, then fucking well run yourself.

ruby wholeheartedly agrees with the content of this little tirade.

another first!!

2006-07-21T05:35:00.000-07:00

man, i go for years without doing anything for the first time now i have 2 firsts in 2 days. if that isn't nice, what is?

this latest first was one i was thinking about for a long time and just never got around to doing. then i got a sign, this guy kept telling yes, go ahead and do it!!

everytime i wacked him on the head and said "should i do it", he gave me the thumbs up sign, just like silent bob. holy shit, maybe silent bob is the second coming!

so what did i do??? please allow me to introduce my new body art....

fucking beauty eh!! the tattoo guy told me the colors would come out better once all the blood is gone and the scab falls off in a few weeks. it hurt a bit but now when i get old and senile and wonder off from some nursing home they can just say, look for the guy with the sea turtle on his shoulder.

so i got that going for me too, which is nice.

for everything, there is a first time

2006-07-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

when mr spock was asked if his cadets were ready for a real mission he replied:

"for everything there is a first time"

yesterday was a first time for me too. i used an ATM for the first time in my life. it was one of my goals to go to my grave never having used an ATM. i had no choice, it was forced upon me. i opened a high interest savings account and after all the paperwork was done i was told i had to use an ATM to make my first deposit. my other choice would have been to mail in a cheque and use my own stamp. shit, that's about 5 empty beer tins for the stamp. the bank guy guided me through it and it was painless. the only problem was coming up with a pin. now i have a fucking pin # that i'm sure to forget within a month.

with any luck i'll never have to use the ATM again. i linked the accout with the bank i do my personal banking with so when i need cash i'll just go see the lovely young ladies at the bank and do my transactions the old fashioned way, in person.

i still haven't had a coffee at a starbucks so all is not lost.

jay and silent bob

2006-07-19T13:47:00.000-07:00

last night i watched the first half of jay and bob strike back. the funny thing about watching a classic piece of art is you usually find a brilliant scene or nuance that escaped you on previous viewings.

i was totally engrossed in one of my favorite scenes and getting ready to laugh my little brains out when i noticed something that can only be described as karma. the scene was when the nun picks our heroes up while they are hitchhiking. now previous to this scene, george carlin had just explained the rules of the road and the need to follow the book. when the good nun picked our heroes up, guess what was playing on her car radio....

Plastic Jesus!!! from cool hand luke fame!!!

jay and the nun has to be one of the all time classic moments of film history. i'm surprised jay hasn't received a lifetime achievement award from the academy of motion pictures for that performance. he makes richard burton and sir alec guiness look like pikers.

rocky may not want to watch this movie as jay says fuck at least twice, but who's counting. it's a fucking classic!!!

call me lucky!

2006-07-18T15:29:00.000-07:00

today was a red letter day for old leo. first i got a shit load of beer cans on the way to the bus. i was rumaging through some guy's recycling box and he drove up. i thought, yikes! a lot of people get pissed when you go through their recycling box. i asked him if he was mad and offered to put the cans back. he smiled and said "take them". altogether i got $3.05

at lunch i had to go to fabric store to get some material for the littlest angel. in the clearance area i found a bunch of captain's shirts. these were brand new from some bankrupt airline. white with blue vertical pinstripes and real cool epaulets. i love epaulets! they were brand new, a 60/40 cotton/poly blend with real stiff semi high collars. and they were only 99 cents each. i bought 4 of them. i'll offer a couple to sonny when he returns but i won't be disappointed if i have to keep them all. the cotton poly blend isn't great in the hot weather but they'll be just fine in the winter.

so there i am on the crowded bus coming home with four shirts and a shit load of empty beer cans. i ooze class.

as buddha said, "humility is the greatest freedom of all" (and 4 cheap shirts don't hurt either"

the cracker factory

2006-07-17T15:56:00.000-07:00

every monday morning in the summer i try and pick a bag of wild roses on my way to the bus. along one of the paths i walk, there are tons of them. it started by accident a few years ago when i brought some in for a clerk who was quitting. the roses were popular and i started to bring in lots of them. you can tell a lot about a person by the way they accept a little gift. if you like empty beer cans and free roses, to quote leonard cohen, "i'm your man."

some people just can't accept the roses, they think i have some ulterior motive. i only have one rule with my roses, if you turn them down once, you don't get a second chance. on the other hand there is one senior manager i didn't like at all but she accepts the roses with class and style. the second best thing about the wild roses is they're free.

what's the best thing?

they're usually crawling with ants, aphids and earwhigs. i try to shake the bugs off but it's amazing how many bugs can live on a branch of roses. it's kind of like a sport in the cracker factory, squashing bugs as they run across desks.

free roses, if that isn't nice, what is?

jews and arabs, i just can't resist anymore

2006-07-16T17:46:00.000-07:00

i've been following this dispute for longer than i care to remember and still can't see any logic in the situation. the jews and arabs clearly don't like each other and the arms merchants in the rest of the world are only too happy to supply each side with weapons. to be fair, israel does have an arms industry and has been known to sell arms to unsavory characters to make a few bucks.

as i watch this unfold, i can't decide which side to cheer for. in the past i always thought that israel was on the side of right but i'm not so sure anymore. in my opinion their treatment of the palestinians over the last decade has taken away any claims they ever had to the high ground in this conflict.

additionally, i recently re-read the new testament. for some funny reason i agree with the description that it is the "greatest story ever told". this latest time when i read the greatest moneymaker ever told, one little phrase stuck in my craw. this would be "dirty gentile". now i'm pretty much of a live and let live guy but you can only call me a dirty gentile so many times before i say fuck you. why would i want to support a group of people that consider me to be a dirty gentile. this is why i have thrown my support behind ganesh in recent times. who knows, tomorrow i may worship an african dung beetle.

i'm not lumping all jews into this little epistle. i work with several jewish people and i don't think they consider gentiles to be less clean than themselves. but the nutjobs that move to israel and take up the orthodox faith probably consider me and my fellow gentiles to be less clean than themselves.

i hope i haven't offended any jewish people, i truly feel sorry for the innocent people getting blown up on each side. but as far as their leaders go, i have no sympathy for them and am tired of their rhetoric.

ouch

2006-07-15T05:45:00.000-07:00

if anyone can remember i squashed my middle finger a few months ago while rasslin with a maple tree. the finger nail turned almost all black and hurt like crazy. i thought the nail was going to fall off and wallowed in self pity for a few days. the picture above shows what the nail looks like now. there is still a small black spot on the finger nail and it is slowly creeping up to the top and will soon be gone.

if the picture is clear enough you can also see the ring i wear for my wedding ring. it's a turtle with a small turtle on each side. i've worn it for years and many people think i'm nuts for wearing it as a wedding ring. i've alway loved turtles and the 2 small turtles represent my little angels. they are no longer little but the ring has lots of sentimental value. the bad thing about the ring is the big turtle's tail and feet stick out and get caught on everything. i've caused a lot of damage to clothing and blankets by the big turtle catching loose clothing.

i also like the shock value of wearing that ring. i'm the guy with the skull and crossbones earing and turtle ring in the meetings at the cracker factory. it's my little way of saying "fuck you" to the system.

my biggest angel is 59.7% finished his tour of the north. 48 more days until he returns.

so i got that going for me, which is nice.

a cool quote

2006-07-13T20:18:00.000-07:00

while trying to get the exact wording of galbraith's mocking of trickle down economics i found a quote that really tickled my fancy:

More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.

John Kenneth Galbraith

i don't find this to be a condemnation of american economic policy. rather i find it to be a condemnation on the human race in general. call me a dreamer or a child of gene roddenberry's visions but i have always considered myself to be a globalist. i find international borders to be artificial, self serving and temporary at best. they don't serve the poor. they serve the wealthy. being named an ambassador has to be one of the best jobs on the planet. even ambassadors from shit hole poverty ravaged nations live the life of riley.

i used to be the ambassador from tralfamador on blogster. i was duly appointed by sooner and enjoyed the position until those pricks tony and ed banished me. so it goes.

trickle down????

2006-07-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

below is a short article stating how the average pay of ceo's has outpaced that of hourly employees. it would appear that the big money just isn't trickling down to the masses. king george was happily boasting of a growing economy yesterday. i suspect some members of the economy benefited from this growth more than others but that's the good thing about king george. he doesn't worry about details.

here are the cold hard facts:

CEOs earn 262 times pay of average worker

"NEW YORK (Reuters) - Chief executive officers in the United States earned 262 times the pay of an average worker in 2005, the second-highest level in the 40 years for which there is data, a nonprofit think-tank said on Wednesday.

In fact, a CEO earned more in one workday than an average worker earned in 52 weeks, said the Economic Policy Institute in Washington, D.C.

The typical worker's compensation averaged just under $42,000 for the year, while the average CEO brought home almost $11 million, EPI said.

In recent years, compensation has been a hot issue with shareholders who have been bombarded with news stories about chief executives who are given multimillion dollar bonus and pay packages even if shares have declined.

For example, the chief executives of 11 of the largest companies were awarded a total of $865 million in pay in the last two years, even as they presided over a total loss of $640 billion in shareholder value, a recent study from governance firm the Corporate Library, found.

In 1965, U.S. CEOs at major companies earned 24 times a worker's pay. That ratio surged in the 1990s and hit 300 at the end of the recovery in 2000, according to EPI.

CEO pay is defined by the sum of salary, bonus, value of restricted stock at grant and other long-term incentives. Worker pay is hourly wage of production and nonsupervisory works, EPI said. "

i could only think of one photo that summed up my opinion of this trend.

(dear old bill clinton wasn't left behind when the prosperity express pulled out of the station.)

i passed!

2006-07-11T11:16:00.000-07:00

it was time to re-new my driver's license. i've been worried about it because i really can't see very well and want to put off wearing glasses as long as i can. i can't read a book worth shit without reading glasses but do ok on the long distance stuff. i remember they tested my eyesight about 10 years ago when i renewed the license and was just hoping they'd skip it this time. i even put on a nice shirt to try and look presentable.

when i walked into the motor vehicle branch there was a big line. i said "holy fuck". i just meant to say it to myself but i guess i said it too loud because most of the people in line turned and looked at me. some of the people smiled and some gave me a dirty look. that's the beauty of being anti-social, i didn't give a shit. i just hoped the clerks wouldn't hold it against me and test the old eyes. i had visions of patty and selma testing otto.... "i have a green pencil and a red pencil, i don't think i'm going to need the green pencil with you" you should hear what i say in bank line ups.

to make a long story short, i got my license renewed without any problems. i think they wisked me through because they seemed to be concentrating on the immigrants and foreigners that like to get phony driver's licenses.

i'm good for another 5 years!!!

so i got that going for me, which is nice. ruby loves going for car rides. she thinks she's the queen of england as she scans the roadside for cats.

beware the black russian

2006-07-10T16:10:00.000-07:00

the curse of the black russian

i was riding the black russian across a playground looking for empty beer cans. my eyes weren't on the ground immediately ahead but instead i was scanning the horizon for shiny images of empty beer cans. i ran into a good sized hole and went arse over tea kettle. i landed on my sore knee, it got good and bruised along with a few scrapes. a little blood but not enough to garner any sympathy from the lovely mrs myshkin. she instead took the opportunity to lecture me on the importance of looking our for holes in the ground. she's a fecking genius, i never would have connected those dots.

when i hit the ground and felt pain i quickly broke several commandments and violated most of deepak's keys to happiness. it was early in the morning so there were no children in the park to hear my creative use of the f word. for the rest of the day i dreamed of getting my hands around the neck of the asshole kid who dug the fecking hole. my knee is nicely bruised right now but as they say, live and learn.

if i had been riding the red rocket i might not have fallen. the red rocket has front shock absorbers and weighs about half as much as the black russian. i'll keep riding the black russian from time to time because it makes me appreciate how nice it is to ride the red rocket. genesh bless the red rocket.

i need to get a life

2006-07-09T06:03:00.000-07:00

for the last few weeks i've been reading a few people on crapster. the one person that i've been reading is some guy called coincutter. i have to ask myself, is this guy for real. he boasts about mental problems, not bathing, not having a real job, supreme alcohol problems. he will buy a case of beer and drink it outside the store, then fall asleep anywhere. he also boasts about what a good parent he is. oh yeah, he's quite the ladies man.

now if my daughter brought this guy home, i'd be doing cartwheels. what more could a father ask for? an unemployed, alcoholic, non bathing anti social son-in-law. it doesn't get much better than that.

i read this guy for 2 reasons. firstly, i'm still trying to figure out if his entries are real or just good fiction. secondly, i like the idea of adding to his blogeyes or whatever they're called now. tony and ed deserve to have a number one blogster along the lines of this man.

i wish coincutter no ill will. i just wouldn't want my daughter to go near him. if he showed up at my doorstep, i'd call ruby and the big ninja to take care of the problem.

maybe tony or ed have a daughter for him to date since they like to promote his lifestyle.

too many kims

2006-07-07T08:08:00.000-07:00

holy crap, i got the wrong lil kim. they're everywhere these days.

will the real lil kim please stand up?

i said stand up you little prick!

after a little research it dawned on me that this little kim guy, for all his charisma is really a bad little dude. aside from his golf prowess and abiltiy to charm the ladies it appears he killed his good old dad then the attending physicians died in helicopter accidents. the rumor is he has 4 billion in swiss accounts. god bless those fucking swiss for enabling every crook on the planet to hide the goods.

my question was; what makes lil kim tick? after an exhaustive 10 minutes of research i came up with the following:

by eric margolis

Why is isolated North Korea provoking this? Experts offer a host of complex theories. My theory: James Bond.

North Korea's eccentric leader, the 5-foot-2-inch Kim Jong-il, is crazy about movies. He owns more than 2,000 films and even obtained his own in-palace moviemaker by having his agents kidnap South Korea's leading film director. South Korean intelligence says Kim's favourites are his complete collection of James Bond movies.

"Dear Leader" Kim seems to be patterning his weird outfits, studied mannerisms, and megalomaniac behaviour on the sinister Dr. No. North Korea is Kim's version of Dr. No's island lair. Is it a coincidence North Korea's main operational missile is called "No-dong?" I think not.

Remember how all the James Bond villains try to extort billions by threatening the world with weapons of mass destruction? Think of North Korea as a giant James Bond movie directed by Dr. Kim. Even his nuclear warheads and poison gas are stored in deep underground caves and caverns straight out of You Only Live Twice. He's probably also got a death ray.

well that's lil kim solved now what about cheato lay?

who killed kenny?

2006-07-06T07:57:00.000-07:00

so kenny's dead. who killed him? there are lots of suggestions that george and dick may be behind all this. but i smell a different rat.

from marsha kranes, nypost:

"During Enron's meteoric rise, his sometimes golfing buddy, President Bill Clinton, helped him land a $3 billion Power-plant project in India."

so there's a connection between the dead kenny and the re-branded bill clinton. i understand there is someone close to bill that is a rising star in the political arena. hillary is a front runner for 2008, maybe kenny had some dirt on hillary. who knows?

i think it's just a little too easy to pin everything on king george. after all this is the guy that read a children's book upside down for 10 minutes while 9/11 was going on. i see hillary as more likely cold blooded killer than king george. after all, who the fuck is hillary? she has had more procedures than joan rivers, she is a shape shifter and a master manipulator.

or, maybe old kenny isn't dead at all. maybe he's on a nice island with a drink in one hand and nubile young thing in the other hand. kenny still alive? stranger things have happened.

jimmy carter: the last honest man. before carter it was eisenhower. sadly those are the only 2 honest guys that come to mind.

"We must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex."

Dwight D. Eisenhower

ike knew where the bear shit in the bucket.

oh my god, they killed kenny!

2006-07-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

kenny boy's dead! what a shame!

and only 64 years old. his heart simply gave out.

yesterday i finished off my christmas, valentines and easter candy. i still have some candy canes left but they don't count. all the jube jubes and chocolate are gone. i bought a lot this year. the most ever, and with the angels being teenagers that don't what pimples it was left up to me and ruby to eat all the candy. mission accomplished. now i have to wait until halloween. halloween isn't a biggie because i'm not really crazy about orange jube jubes. but i'm sure i'll find something.

i'm a little disappointed kenny boy didn't suffer a little more. maybe he'll be a crack whore in his next life. (no offense intended to honest decent crack whores) kenny always reminded me of pat robertson. i wonder if king george will go to the funeral. they used to be best pals.

what the fuck, looking at this guy always cheers me up. he's been one of favorites ever since that south park movie that glorified him.

half way home

2006-07-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

if my calculations are correct, and that's a big if, today marks the half way point in shane's journey through the northlands. the picture above was taken the day after he got his black belt. it reminds me that he can take care of himself and relieves a few of my worries. i'm reminded of the lyrics of johnny horton's north to alaska:

Big Sam left Seattle in the year of '92,
With George Pratt, his partner, and brother, Billy, too.
They crossed the Yukon River and found the bonanza gold.
Below that old white mountain just a little south-east of Nome.

Sam crossed the majestic mountains to the valleys far below.
He talked to his team of huskies as he mushed on through the snow.
With the northern lights a-running wild in the land of the midnight sun,
Yes, Sam McCord was a mighty man in the year of nineteen-one.

Where the river is winding,
Big nuggets they're finding.
North to Alaska,
They're goin' North, the rush is on.

shane's looking for gold and copper.

while looking for gold he had to back a truck out of a mountain pass for a mile or so and almost drove off a cliff. his passenger was a french geologist who yelled at him for rest of the day for being careless. have i mentioned that i'm not to crazy about frenchmen?

10 keys to happiness

2006-07-03T04:37:00.000-07:00

of course my list of the ten keys to happiness would include ruby but deepak chopra took it upon himself to omit poor little ruby from his list.

deepak's keys to happiness:

1) Listen to your body's wisdom.
(2) Live in the present, for it is the only moment you have.
(3) Take time to be silent, to meditate.
(4) Relinquish your need for external approval.
(5) When you find yourself reacting with anger or opposition to any person or circumstance, realize that you are only struggling with yourself.
(6) Know that the world "out there" reflects your reality "in here."
(7) Shed the burden of judgement.
(8) Don't contaminate your body with toxins, either food, drink, or toxic emotions.
(9) Replace fear-motivated behavior with love-motivated behavior.
(10) Understand that the physical world is just a mirror of a deeper intelligence.

10 is too many keys for me to remember. if you feel obligated to live by all ten then you are a victim of dogma. listen to leo, read the list and if you like any of the 10 keys, use them. if any of them don't make sense to you or you feel they wouldn't bring you any happiness, drop them like a hot potato.

i am a fan of numbers 2,3, and 7. i have also added 3 of my own but wouldn't want to horn in on deepak's action. this list is about deepak. if you like the list, check out his website and you might just find what you're looking for. then you'll be one step ahead of bono and U2.

poor little ruby

2006-07-02T04:33:00.000-07:00

poor little ruby, she's still limping although sometimes she does put weight on her sore leg. there seems to be marginal improvement. ruby is an extremely aggressive dog who attacks first and asks questions later so we haven't taken her to the vet. there is also the possibility that she is putting on a bit of an act because when i take her for a walk and she meets another dog there are no signs of injury, she attacks with a fury.

the wife thinks she misses shane and this is her way of showing it. enough of ruby.

poor little me. i was totally depressed when those fecking frenchmen beat brazil in the world cup yesterday. if i was elvis i would have shot the tv. i want a new lcd or plasma tv and that would have solved my problem. but my fear of the lovely mrs myshkin prevented me from acting like elvis. i'm now a portugal fan. when i was real young i worked in an upscale french restaurant as a dishwasher. the owners were a couple of french pricks. the head chef was portuguese and the frenchmen were terrified of him. ever since then i've had a soft spot for the portuguese.

i wanted to watch dogma last night but couldn't find sonny's pile of dvds. fuck!

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, where have you been, my darling young one?

sonny has been gone now for 58 days. it seems like 58 years.

ode to jackie sue

2006-06-30T05:57:00.000-07:00

when i saw this picture, one thought came to mind. jackie sue.

the yellowdog is one tough lady, so i think lightning is a fitting symbol of her inner spirit. i love lightning, the only problem is ruby hates thunder. the vet says it not that she's afraid of it, i was told that certain sounds do something to dog's brains that cause extreme discomfort and anxiety.

when you see a real good lightning storm it's easy to see how primitive man bought into the whole religion business. it's one incredible spectacle. now that modern science has explained what causes lightning and we have been able to orbit the earth without seeing a trace of heaven, why haven't more people questioned the ancient dogma? i have a few thoughts on the subject but i wouldn't want to lower myself to the level of the hatred and intolerance exhibited by most religious fundamentalists.

this began as a tribute to jackie sue but i digressed into a slight tirade on religious fundamentalism. i hope deepak chopra forgives me for breaking his 7th key to happiness: "SHED THE BURDEN OF JUDGEMENT"

here's to you jackie sue! long may you run.

jay and silent bob

2006-06-29T05:52:00.000-07:00

jay and silent bob return!

i saw an ad for a movie last night that featured jay and silent bob. i think it was called clerks 2. it opens july 21. the promo featured jay and silent bob.

in my humble opinion jay and silent bob are 2 of the finest characters of the last century. dogma and jay and silent bob strike back have to be the 2 most under rated films of my lifetime. silent bob is a man's man. the strong silent type. his actions speak louder than his words. and that jay, he knows how to treat a lady.

this new movie is certainly on my must see list. but i'm going to wait and see how big of a role jay and silent bob have. the ad last night may have just been toying with us true patrons of fine acting by showing jay and silent bob. if it turns out that they have minor roles i'll wait for the dvd and rely on sonny to get me a copy.

jay and silent bob return, if that isn't nice what is?

the old bike, cont.

2006-06-27T08:28:00.000-07:00

As I earlier mentioned, the old bike is back on the road. It has no shock absorbers. There was a time when I thought shock absorbers on bikes were for wimps. I may have to reconsider. The biggest difference I notice between the two bikes is the beating my wrists are taking as I go over bumps. I worry about my wristwatch getting damaged.

The other major difference is the new bike has disc brakes and the old beater has the traditional bicycle brakes. The old brakes actually seem to grip tighter. The disc brakes on the new bike apply a more steady stopping force that discourages the wheels from locking up. Being a child at heart, I like locking up the wheels and throwing up dust and gravel.

I now need to come up with a name for the old bike. It’s black so I need something that aligns itself with black:

Possibilities:

The black: blaster
Blazer
Bolshevik
Bomber
Brawler
Brit
Brute
Bruiser
Buddha
Buzzard

After giving thought to all these alliterative choices I decided to go in a different direction:

THE BLACK RUSSIAN

I got the idea for the BLACK RUSSIAN from blackadder. Here is a partial transcript from my favorite episode.

Edmund: Yes. Today could be one of the most important days of my life so far. Percy, I shall require my most splendid garments for the ceremonies.
Percy: (bows) Certainly, My Lord. Hat, My Lord?

Edmund: Trojan, I think.

Percy: Boots, My Lord?

Edmund: The Italian.

Percy: ...and codpiece, My Lord?

Edmund: Well, let's go for the Black Russian, shall we? It always terrifies the clergy! (laughs ridiculously)

(at the court; Edmund has on a ridiculous metal helmet, an enormous protruding black codpiece, and pointed black boots with little chains going from the calves to the toes)

good service is not dead

2006-06-25T05:49:00.000-07:00

i be happier than a pig in shit.

i have an old beater of a bicycle that i have been thinking of throwing away. i've offered it to a few people but they've all turned me down. it has a lot of sentimental value so i'd like to keep it.

on friday i was energized so i walked it up to the gas station and got the arab attendant to give me some free air. they usually charge 50 cents. the dirty pricks are making a fortune on gas but i now they want money for air.

after getting my air i rode it to a neighborhood bicycle shop. the owner is a bit of a freak. lots of body piercing and tattoos. as luck would have it, i had a skull and crossbones earing in and a "son of man" t-shirt on as well as a pair of old ripped up levis. (made in the US, i bought them from valu village. the new ones are made in china)

the bicycle guy gave my old bike the once over. he diagnosed the problem and fixed it. it took about 5 minutes. i asked him how much i owed him and he said nothing. i was dumbfounded. i offered him $10 but he turned it down. i insisted that he take the money and he finally took it. later in the day i wished that i would have given him $20.

in a year or two i will be in the market for a new bike. guess where i'm going to buy it. as much as i'd like to credit ganesh, buddha or jesus for this good luck; i'm sure they had nothing to do with it. he was just an honest man who probably liked my earing, t-shirt and levis. if i looked like some lexus driving asshole, he probably would have asked me to leave the bike overnight and charged me $50.

so i got that going for me too!

gitmo

2006-06-23T05:47:00.000-07:00

green power on gitmo - if that isn't nice what is?

i have nothing against gitmo. war is a dirty business and you can't win by sending your chess team to battle against a group of armed lunatics. which leads me to a quote from one of favorite authors, robert heinlein:

You can have peace, or you can have freedom. Don’t ever count on having both at once.

given the choice of protecting my children or the rights of a bunch of holy jihad lunatics, it's a no brainer. fuck the jihad boys.

to illustrate my point, i'll share a little story about my number one son. when he was in grade one he was a gentle meek child and was picked on by a few of the tougher kids. i could have went to the principal and whined but that would not have been a long term solution. instead, i enrolled him in karate. within a year he was no longer a victim. a few years later he had a confrontation with one of the former bullies and showed him where the bear shit in the bucket. my once former meek son is now a black belt and spending the summer working in a mining camp making major bucks. if i had chosen a different path, i.e. keeping him weaker than the opposition and relying on someone else to solve the problem, i'm sure the problem would have got worse rather than a long term solution being found.

oh yeah, while i'm on my soapbox, fuck the kennedys!

on a more important note harriet the tortoise died, she was real old and cool

check it out harriet

when cousins marry

2006-06-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

so what happens when an englishman marries his german cousin?

they give hive a big hat and call him a prince!

the discman saga:

it took me a long time to get over 8 tracks. when the whole world went to cassettes i stuck with 8 tracks. now that the whole world is going to ipods and mp3 players i intend on sticking with my discman. i like the concept of throwing in new cd each morning better than reloading my mp3 player or searching through 5000 songs on a 60 gig ipod.

i have a discman that is about 4 years old and still going strong. i use it every day. it's an rca. made in china. i paid $89. then saw it advertised for $69 about a month later. i went to the store and bitched and they gave back $20.

last week i saw a bunch of discmen on clearance. i bought a jvc for $29 that was regular $79. when i got it home it seemed real cheaply made so i took it back and exchanged it for a sony that was $39. when i got it home i found out it came with some compression software that would let you fit 490 songs onto a blank cd. the last thing i want to do is play around with software when sonny is 2000 miles away so i took the sony back yesterday.

then the plastic jesus went to work. i was reading one of these liquidation flyers that comes in the junk mail and bingo! rca discmen for $12.99! i jumped in the corolla a went shopping. i bought 2 of them. they are made in china but refurbished in mexico. god bless those fucking mexicans. they took the trouble to refurbish a shit load of discmen before they headed for the border.

so i got that going for me too!

call me lucky

2006-06-19T15:36:00.000-07:00

the littlest ninja gave me bobblehead jesus for father's day. it was love at first sight. i have now completed my 3 stooges collection; buddha, ganesh and jesus. i say 3 stooges affectionately.

i have had a streak of good luck since jesus entered my life yesterday morning. this morning as i walked to the bus i found a bag of something. it took a little nerve to pick it up and smell it but i didn't get to where i am today by being afraid to smell strange things in a bag. it was a bag of pot and it smelled real good. genuine bud!!!
i'd say it was a little over a quarter of an ounce. maybe jesus is just tempting me. in days gone by, i'd have a beer and a smoke as soon as i returned home from the cracker factory but not today. i'm still on the noble eightfold path. so i got that going for me too!

as soon as i got jesus i had one thought in my head....cool hand luke!

I don't care if it rains or freezes
As long as I've got my Plastic Jesus
Glued to the dashboard of my car,
You can buy Him phosphorescent
Glows in the dark, He's Pink and Pleasant,
Take Him with you when you're travelling far

i watched about half the movie last night and will finish it off tonight. one of the best movies ever made.

74 days until sonny returns. wait till he sees ganesh and plastic jesus. he'll be proud his dad isn't pissing away the summer.

the radio repairman

2006-06-17T18:04:00.000-07:00

being a lazy old fart at times, i use music when i practice TM. i just made a new cd, it contains:

standing in the doorway - bob dylan (time out of mind)
tupelo honey - van morrison
did she mention my name - gordon lightfoot.

music serves 2 purposes when practicing TM. firstly, it eliminates a lot of distractions. secondly, it acts as a timer letting you know when you have put in 15 to 20 minutes. it also makes the whole experience more enjoyable.

TM - the second best $150.00 i ever spent. guess what the best $150.00 was.

this brings me to the radio repairman. i had to see him about a week ago. he called me in for a follow up after some tests. he gave me a lot of technical mumbo jumbo that meant nothing to me. the botton line is he wanted me to take more drugs. i declined. he got a little mad. big fucking deal, it's my life not his.

me and the radio repairman have had a few good arguements. these fucking guys think they're rocket scientists when they're only brain surgeons. now if a rocket scientist told me to take more drugs, that would be different. i told him that i was going to try the ayurvedic lifestyle with increased meditation. we agreed to disagree.

going to see the radio repairman can be a real waste of time. he always asks me how things are going and how often my radio transmitter fucks up. if i told him the truth, he would take away my driver's license so i always just say, "no complaints."

fecking crooks

2006-06-16T16:21:00.000-07:00

fecking supermarkets!!!

i was at the supermarket today, the same crooked outfit i got my 2 bags of free jube jubes from when i noticed they overcharged me. the line-up was going real slow because there was a little old lady pulled off to the side disputing her bill. most people were giving her a dirty look because she was costing them precious time.

when i got to the cashier, i discovered the problem. they had charged her $7.99 for a box of shortening that was supposed to be $2.99. a supervisor came and asked her a few questions then made a big deal out of giving her back the overpayment.

i couldn't resist joining the fray. i asked the supervisor if the little old lady was entitled to get the item for free. i was totally ignored. i pursued the matter and asked the supervisor what the policy was on computer errors that resulted in overpayments by customers. again she she refused to answer. i was getting pissed. i asked the little old lady if she wanted to get the item for free saying i would be happy to take up her case. the little old lady was getting embarrassed because lots of people were looking at us. she left with her tale between her legs.

total fucking bullshit. the little old lady did nothing wrong but was made to feel like she was inconveniencing all the other customers. the supervisor was an asshole, not once did she apologize to the little old lady and refused to answer my questions.

the next time i'm in that store i might just pick up a few packages of fresh fish, poke a few holes in the cellophane and toss them somewhere they won't be discovered for a week or so.

if

2006-06-15T13:10:00.000-07:00

nancy tagged me so here goes:

if

If I were a month, I would be: august
If I were a day of the week, I would be: sunday
If I were a time of day, I would be: 6:00 am
If I were a sea animal, I would be: sea turtle
If I were a direction, I would be: west
If I were a sin, I would be: lust (after candy)
If I were a historical figure I would be: forgettable
If I were a planet, I would be: titan (the sirens of)
If I were a liquid, I would be: water
If I were a stone, I would be: Charlie Watts
If I were a tree, I would be: maple
If I were a bird, I would be: a pain in the ass
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: marijuana
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: lightning
If I were a mythical creature, I would be: a flying turtle
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: harmonica
If I were an animal, I would be: a turtle
If I were a color, I would be: green
If I were an emotion, I would be: contentment
If I were a vegetable, I would be: tomato
If I were a sound, I would be: silence
If I were an element, I would be: magnesium (good for the heart)
If I were a song, I would be: Dublin blues by guy clark
If I were a movie, I would be: one flew over the cuckoos nest
If I were a book, I would be written by: dr seuss
If I were a food, I would be: cheeseburger
If I were a place, I would be: the popes basement
If I were a taste, I would be: ginger
If I were a scent, I would be: beer
If I were a religion, I would be: probably destructive
If I were a word, I would be: 4 letters, starts with f
If I were a body part, I would be: eyes
If I were a facial expression, I would be: perplexed
If I were a subject in school, I would be: math
If I were a cartoon character, I would be: yertle the turtle
If I were a shape, I would be: random
If I were a number, I would be: 5607
If I were a piece of jewelry, I would be: gold
If I were a piece of furniture, I would be: book shelf
If I were a car, I would be: vw micro bus full of dope smoking hippies
If I were an item of clothing, I would be: a t-shirt with a sea turtle on the front.

i now tag netwit, steve(blathering joe somewhere on a mountain, and the ever happy and optimistic aurelius.

i was going to pick shane mcgowan for the person in history but he's not history yet. long may he run.

the world cup and the cracker factory

2006-06-14T18:13:00.000-07:00

guess who i'm cheering for! brazil!!

i put in my 3 days at the cracker factory and didn't miss any of the action. in fact i got to watch it on large screen plasma tv's. pretty fecking sweet. that's one of the perks of being an old fart and not caring. the young up and comers have to put out. but i've paid my dues and it's time to collect. the sad part is now i have to watch the games on my piece of shit 27 inch toshiba. i wish sonny was here to do something cool with the sound. maybe i'll get ambitious and hook the tv up to the home theatre.

monday and tuesday a few of us watched the games in the boardroom but it was being used today so we had to find another spot. our president has a great office that he never uses. he's in town one or two days a month. he has a 47 inch plasma tv and told us we could use it in his absence. so those of us with balls took him up on his offer. i don't know if he made the offer just to be a nice guy and never expected us to take him up on it but it's the fecking world cup!!

he's a smart old guy, i think he'd rather have his junior idiot managers watching the games in his office than in a pub where we can be even bigger idiots. so i don't think we committed any unforgivable sins.

ganesh bless brazil!

this guy's way better than bush

2006-06-12T16:49:00.000-07:00

Kim Jong-Il Doesn't Know How He Keeps Winning Lottery

June 7, 2006 | Issue 42•23

PYONGYANG—After winning his ninth $10 million lottery jackpot in as many weeks, North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il continues to be "stunned" by his good luck. "Certainly the fates smile with a benevolent countenance upon myself, the most Exalted Supreme Leader-For-Life of the great nation of Korea!" said Kim, who acts as Chairman of the National Democratic Council, Commander of the National Defense Commission, Supreme Director of the North Korean Powerball and MegaMillions Lotteries, and General Secretary of the Worker's Party of Korea. "Truly, heaven has blessed me once again with great wealth, as well as the love of my people!" The dictator said the winnings come at a particularly fortuitous time, as he is currently broke after spending all of his previous eight jackpots on plutonium.

the above story was taken from the onion. ganesh likes onions.

cans more cans, he bellowed he brayed

2006-06-11T17:39:00.000-07:00

i'm told this is osama bin laden's ferris wheel. all suicide bombers get 10 free rides before they collect their big prize. a one way trip, in a million pieces to a secret destination.

i've been been doing very well in the can department the last few days. the utes seem to be drinking their brains out in the parks. i think it has to do with school winding down for the year.

today i found $5.85 in cans and bottles. yesterday i found $6.05. i've been so well it's getting hard to ride the bike with all these cans. once again, ganesh came to the rescue. i use plastic grocery bags to put the cans in. on a lousy day i can just grip the bags as i hold the handle bars. but when the load is heavy it can get really hard on your hands. it does make for a good workout though. rather just exercising the legs, your hands get a real workout holding onto the bags and shifting gears, applying brakes and steering. ganesh suggested tying the bags to the handle bars when i'm overloaded and it works quite well.

to date i have found $157.35. one of the bitches at the liquor store hates me. she complains if the cans are a little dirty or if i have too many. there are lots of places to take them back but i like to bug that bitch so she gets all my business.

i have to work 3 days this week so the can collection sideline will suffer. but the good news is the cracker factory pays a little better than the can collecting business. we have 2 52inch plasma screens set up in the boardroom to watch the world cup at lunch and on breaks. there are lots of breaks. brazil and croatia on tuesday is the game i'm waiting for. i was wearing my "rivaldo" jersey yesterday.

put your money on brazil. (but don't be a fool and bet the ranch)

ganesh has been officially activated

2006-06-09T19:12:00.000-07:00

ganesh has been infused with the power to remove all obstacles in our humble home and impart wisdom to all those who seek sanctuary within the four walls he protects. ruby, acting as his assistant, will deal with those who will not listen to reason.

the ceremony also paid tribute to rocket. it was four short years ago that rocket passed over to the other side. rocket was a truly gentle beast and the earthly world was a poorer place when she departed. she has left the surface of the planet but will never be forgotten. the urn between ganesh and buddha contains rocket's ashes.

R.I.P. faithful friend

ruby be rocking again.

2006-06-08T20:32:00.000-07:00

ruby got a little tired of things being slow and not working so she up and left. she rocked on over to wordpress. notice the RUBY ROCKS link on the right.

i have no problem with the slow service and service interuptions at blogger. i was happy to live in this nice little pond until i had a thought. ganesh probably gave it to me. what if the name "rubyrocks" is available on wordpress? so i checked it out and it wasn't taken so as judas priest said to frankie lee in the bob dylan classic, "you better take some of those bills before they all disappear."

i have to thank nancy at autumnsraven for the wordpress idea. i can't credit ganesh for that one. he only gets credit for reminding me to seek out the old name. right now i have only opened rubyrocks and made a brief, yet innocent and childlike post. i hope to learn the ropes over there in the coming days or weeks.

one thing might stand in my way.......

THE WORLD CUP STARTS TOMORROW!!!! and i plan watch a lot of it in glorious sobriety in honor of utopia as he climbs a real high mountain in asia. i might even mention his name when i do the grand infusion ceremony with ganesh tomorrow night.

and to all a good night.

shiva bless ganesh

2006-06-07T16:34:00.000-07:00

i was going to say god bless ganesh but after thinking about it shiva seemed a little more apt. ganesh is bringing me luck beyond my wildest expectations.

this morning i found $4.20 in empty beer cans and bottles. i also found a full bottle of beer and ganesh stopped me from drinking it. i'll give to my old dad. then i went shopping and ended up getting over 3 pounds of small caramel chocolate eggs for 71 cents. the store made a mistake, the price should have been $7.10 but ganesh made the cashier move the decimal point.

then i got my first letter from sonny. he is prospering in his job. he enjoys it and is making mucho dinero. 18 years old, his first job and he's making almost $5,000.00 per month plus free room and board. the catch is he has to work 7 days a week and up to 12 hours a day. he says the food is excellent and he is getting to do lots of interesting stuff. that ganesh, he even has powers that help sonny when he's a few thousand miles away.

on the negative side, my radio repairman called and wants to see me tomorrow. i think i'll bring ganesh.

so i got that going for me too.

ganesh

2006-06-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

didn't i tell you he was a beauty!!

it was a glorious afternoon so i decided to birth my little ganesh. it was a brief ceremony but a moving ceremony nonetheless. the lovely mrs myshkin and my littlest ninja declined to join in the festivities. if sonny was here, i'm sure he would have joined me in the fun.

i plan to do it right this weekend. friday will mark the 4th anniversary of rocket's passing so a ceremony is in order. maybe 10 sticks of incense. i walked around the house with ganesh and one lit stick of incense to remove any obstacles to my success that may have been residing in the house. this did not impress the lovely mrs myshkin, in fact she all but chased me and my new best friend out of the house. i did cleanse sonny's bedroom and the rec room where me and ruby watch tv but the majority of the house will have to wait until the lovely mrs myshkin is at work.

88 days until sonny returns. i'll have to give a listen to james cotton's version of the rocket 88 tonight.

ganesh has arrived

2006-06-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

ganesh has arrived and he's a fecking beauty!

the market had scads of jewelery and fabric stores. there wasn't a huge supply of quality ganeshes. the first several places i looked only had cheesy plastic deals. not representative of a god at all. some were battery powered and had water coming out of the trunk and mouth. others had parts that lit up. i saw a nice solid brass one for $139.99. i liked it but not that much.

i went to lots of stores but couldn't find what i wanted. i wasn't sure what i wanted but knew it had to made out of something solid, no fecking plastic. most ceremonies involving ganesh have incense and plastic didn't seem to be a good ingredient to toss into the ganesh omelet. i asked about jade, quartz, soapstone and hardwood but the vendors kept trying to point me to the plastic shit. leo isn't into plastic.

i found a store that had the same solid brass ganesh for $99.99. i haggled him down to $68.00 but it still wasn't the ganesh of my dreams. in the same store i found a smaller solid brass ganesh with several incense holding holes. it was $74.99. i haggled him down to $48.00. the deal was made.

i have meditated a few times with ganesh but haven't fired up any incense. the store owner threw in 40 sticks of incense as part of the deal. the weather has been the craps and i'm going to wait for a nice day to take ganesh outside and fire up about 5 sticks. i will then transcend consciousness.

so i got that going for me too.

Ruby's still limping.

2006-06-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

poor little ruby hasn't recovered fully yet. she still limps most of the time but now she occasionally walks on all four limbs. she looks sort of like an old war veteran who lost a limb to the war when she hops on 3 legs. she's a natural on 3 legs, goes like craze when she wants.

a very productive trip to valu village this morning. i got a pair of dockers, a pair of levi's and a pair of gap jeans for $22.00 the dockers are real good, like new and a heavy twill. the levi's are lighter weight silver tabs. good for the summer.

i don't know if it's just me but measurements seem to be getting larger. 32 inch waist jeans that used to fit me perfectly are now real big. it's like they think it'll help sell more jeans buy having people think they're thinner than they really are. this "relaxed fit" is also a piece of shit. call me stupid and hit me with a stick but i missed the memo that announced measurements were going to be changed. i think half of it is marketing and the other half is free trade. in the past we had domestic goods with solid measurements. now the stuff can be from anywhere and the sizing is totally inconsistent.

sonny has now been gone for over 2 fortnights

oh where have gone my blue eyed son?
oh where have you been my darling young one?

i'm a fecking genius

2006-06-01T07:30:00.000-07:00

i have had a continual problem with grass build up in the discharge area of my old electric lawnmower. when i don't use the plastic grass catcher, the flap closes and the grass can't escape when it's long and wet. it's a real pain in the arse because i have to either stop or try and stick my toe in the rear and flip the flap up. it's probably not a good idea to stick your toe into a running mower. i have been fighting this battle for a long time.

i again had this problem and tried to wedge in some sticks, pipes and rocks to hold it partially open but they kept falling out. then as i pondering the problem, a voice spoke to me. i don't know if it was buddha, ganesh or the baby jebus. the voice said, "leo, drill a hole and get some string."

i drilled the hole with a genuine titanium drill bit from sears and got some genuine nylon cord (color coordinated) from china and as they say, the rest is history. it works like a fucking charm. i just happily walk behind the mower and give the string a yank when the grass builds up and presto, no more grass build up. it all gets shot out at my shins and ankles. there is a minor safety concern but all new technologies have a little risk.

i just wish sonny was here to share in my triumph.

verse 3:

And what did you hear, my blue-eyed son?
And what did you hear, my darling young one?
I heard the sound of a thunder, it roared out a warnin',
Heard the roar of a wave that could drown the whole world,
Heard one hundred drummers whose hands were a-blazin',
Heard ten thousand whisperin' and nobody listenin',
Heard one person starve, I heard many people laughin',
Heard the song of a poet who died in the gutter,
Heard the sound of a clown who cried in the alley,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

bitches brew

2006-05-29T15:50:00.000-07:00

i spent a fair bit of time today looking up ayurvedic recipes and herbs for sale on the web. i want to be prepared when i go in search of ganesh and the herbs this coming saturday.

as i thought, what a fucking racket. i'm an old tea drinker. one of the teas that i pay $2.78 for a 500 gram package was advertised for $2.25 an ounce on an ayurvedic website.
they don't give away those oils either.

two main ingredients in a lot of the brews were garlic and ginger. these are also the two main ingredients of chinese cooking. having a house full of garlic and ginger i decided to make my own broth base. i boiled 3 cloves of garlic and about 1/2 inch of ginger root in 1 cup of water for 7 minutes and drank it steaming hot.

it packed a real good punch. i eat raw garlic everyday so it was the ginger that made the difference for me.

it would be nice to go see the doctor and get some baseline blood work done and then get new blood work done after a month of bithes brew. in my years i've learned that doctors only like these experiments when it's their idea so i would probably have to tell a few lies to my doctor to get the tests. i'll lie like a horsethief to the lovely mrs myshkin but i've learned that honesty is the best policy when dealing with your doctor.

i saw some nascar mechanics change a transmission in a steaming hot car in 14 minutes yesterday. that impressed me more than the race.

ganesh

2006-05-28T08:27:00.000-07:00

for those of you that don't know, old leo is semi retired. last week i only worked 1 day. this week i'm scheduled to work 3 days!!! and i have to go see a radio repairman. woe is me. the reason i'm semi retired is strictly biblical related. it says so in the bible; numbers 8:25. look it up if you don't believe me. ask not what you can do for the bible ask what the bible can do for you.

to reward myself for this heavy work week, i'm planning on picking up a ganesh on saturday. a friend is going to take me to a punjabi market. he says the place is full of ganeshes. it would be nice to get one with 2 broken tusks that has been marked down. i'm not a fanatic so i don't need the traditional ganesh with only 1 broken tusk.

the other thing these punjabi markets are noted for is their gold jewelry. if you want 24 karat gold, go to an east indian jeweler. i might have to give my credit card to ruby before i leave, i'm a sucker for gold.

if i'm going to follow the ayruvedic teachings i want a real cool ganesh. the problem is when i'm not drinking i tend not to talk to statues and pictures. oh well, at least a big ugly ganesh will annoy the lovely mrs myshkin.

so i got that going for me too.

is the pope paranoid?

2006-05-27T06:06:00.000-07:00

A bishop passes a security check before entering the cathedral to attend a meeting with Pope Benedict XVI, in Warsaw, Thursday, May 25, 2006. The pontiff came to Warsaw to start his four-days-visit to Poland.

is the pope paranoid? or has he been watching the history channel too much?

maybe ratzinger is dreaming of rastenberg. the good Colonel Claus Schenk von Stauffenberg brought a brief case to the rastenberg meeting and as they say; the rest is history. i guess the hitler war youth learned a thing or two after adolf almost met his waterloo when meeting with a fun bunch of guys that were supposed to be faithful sycophants.

call me stupid and hit me with a stick but i thought the pope and the bishops were on the same team. did john paul ii subject his bishops to this scrutiny?

who knows, but i think this is a way better picture than some stupid picture of britteny almost dropping her kid or driving without a seatbelt.

i just wish some one could take a picture of all the stuff the pope keeps in his basement.

the bobster

2006-05-26T06:01:00.000-07:00

for the last few days my little brain has been stuck on the following:

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, where have you been, my darling young one?

this song is from "the freewheelin bob dylan". i had forgotten what an excellent album this was. i have put it on the hard drive and listened to it a few times in the last few days. if you've never heard this album or haven't listened to it for a long time, may i suggest you give a listen to "masters of war" and think about the current state of affairs. this song was released in 1963 and probably is a more accurate description of 2006 than anything that has come along since. i always considered the bobster to be more of a trickster than a prophet but i may have to rethink my position.

today marks 3 weeks since sonny headed north, the second verse of hard rain:

Oh, what did you see, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, what did you see, my darling young one?
I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it
I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it,
I saw a black branch with blood that kept drippin',
I saw a room full of men with their hammers a-bleedin',
I saw a white ladder all covered with water,
I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken,
I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

god bless the library

2006-05-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

i finished my latest harry turtledove book and it was time to find more stuff. i was on a mission to find some healthy living books. man, there are more self help books than stupid humans on this planet. what a racket!

i checked out about 10. who's counting. lots of different approaches to attaining physical and mental nirvana. i might just leave them laying around the basement and cracker factory so people think i'm a healthy sort of a guy.

one of the books is "the complete idiots guide to t'ai chi and qi gong". i'm always a sucker for these "complete idiot" books. there are 2 chances of me reading this book and slim just left town. that leaves none. so it goes.

another book is "yoga at work" under the title it says "10 minute yoga workouts for busy people." when i saw this book i thought the opposite - 10 minute yoga workouts for people with nothing better to do at work. this book should help me kill some time at the cracker factory. after a quick look at this one, slim might have left town here too.

a few hours ago i thought i had a grip on life altering knowledge. now i realize that all i have is a pile of fucking books that no one else wanted to check out of the library.

i may never read these books but what i really want to do is sniff around and find something that interests me for upcoming fall and winter seasons. right now i'm busy riding the red rocket and picking up empty beer cans. too bad these halcyon days of sun and empty beer cans don't last all year round.

100 earth days until sonny returns:

Oh, where have you been, my blue-eyed son?
Oh, where have you been, my darling young one?
I've stumbled on the side of twelve misty mountains,
I've walked and I've crawled on six crooked highways,
I've stepped in the middle of seven sad forests,
I've been out in front of a dozen dead oceans,
I've been ten thousand miles in the mouth of a graveyard,
And it's a hard, and it's a hard, it's a hard, and it's a hard,
And it's a hard rain's a-gonna fall.

free jube jubes!!!

2006-05-23T15:55:00.000-07:00

i say it all the time but now i really mean it...

free jube jubes!! if that isn't nice, what is?

on sunday the supermarket knocked an additional 50% off the easter jube bunnies. i bought a big bag. (from the bulk section) when i payed, i noticed they didn't update the computer and give me the additional 50% off. this store has a policy of giving the item for free if they overcharge. i complained and after about 15 minutes they decided that i was indeed worthy of free jube bunnies. i ate lots of them that day. they were quite fresh and blue ones started to grow on me.

monday i went back for more. to my delight, they again charged me the wrong amount. i guess i was the only person who checked his bill and requested that they honor their policy of getting the item free if they over charge. it took about 15 minutes again to get my money back but there was a principle at stake. the good news i got 2 big bags of free jube bunnies. the bad news is i have a stomach ache. moderation is for monks!

so i got that going for me too.

at my present rate of consumption, i'll eat about 50 pounds of these delicious jube bunnies before sonny returns from his adventure. teeth don't fail me now.

art bell will have to wait

2006-05-21T10:35:00.000-07:00

i was all set to pay homage to art bell when i checked my e-mail and found the above photo. needless to say, i liked it but i can't think of anyone to nominate for the job. the only person that comes to mind is katherine harris. that dumb bitch from florida who helped steal the 2000 election and now wants to be a senator. blowing bush would probably look good on her resume.

on a different note. i just can't figure out why all these asshole evangelical preachers are all pissed off at the de vinci code. they profess to love jesus but are repulsed at the thought that old jesus might have had a bit of happiness on this little planet with mary magdalene. i think it's a very nice thought that J might have been married and had a family. didn't these stupid pricks see "the last temptation of christ"? scorcese did an excellent job and i like willem dafoe and harvey keitel way more than tom hanks.

i saw jerry falwell on tv last night trying to fire up the troops against opie's lame movie. jerry is looking more like the barron vladamir harkonnen more everyday.

moderation is for monks

2006-05-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life, take big bites. Moderation is for monks!

Lazarus Long

unfortunately i took that line to heart when i was young. it resulted in the overindulgence of alcohol and several illegal substances. it also led to me spending more time as a guest of cities, counties, states and countries than i would care to admit. it was never for anything big, usually just being an idiot and once they figured out who and what i was they usually set me free. if they didn't, the cracker factory always came to my rescue. the worst thing that ever happened was being forced to seek help from the "employee assistance program."

the funny thing about the employee assistance program was if you hated it they made you go. if you liked it, senior management got pissed off. i guess you're not supposed to enjoy your punishment. in my case, i loved it. i got the afternoon off and the counselors treated me like royalty. as a manager myself i knew how much it cost the cracker factory and i knew it also didn't look good for senior management to be racking a large bill from the counselors.

last summer i was on the straight and narrow, avoiding alcohol and exercising like a madman. then my dad had an accident and on the way home from the hospital he asked me to brew some beer. moderation was never his strong suit either. for about 3 months me and dear old dad over indulged. it totally messed up my brain and i had to clean up my act to recover. i have been clean now for almost six months.

this brings me to j and his dad. i have a lot of fun poking fun at them and will continue to do so. i think they have caused more harm on this planet than all the pitbulls and avian flu carrying chickens combined. i have found a new lifestyle that is helping me more than j ever did. here is is:

ayurveda

i won't preach or try to convert anyone but it's worth checking out if for nothing more than learning how a very large percentage of people on this planet deal with everyday stress and problems.

oh yeah, a word to the wise. if you google this and find any cool sites, keep your credit card in your pocket. like everything else, there are lots of people that are out to make a fast buck in this racket.

somebody up there likes me.

2006-05-18T15:32:00.000-07:00

my all time favorite book may be "the sirens of titan."

there are 2 lines in that book that i'll be thinking of when i pass into the next life:

1. send us more martians.

2. somebody up there likes me.

i don't think anyone is going to send any martians my way in the near future but maybe somebody up there likes me. after detailing my last conversation with j i was lucky enough to receive countless comments from somebody named anonymous and they all said what a great guy i was. these spammers and anonymous commenters are really friendly people but mrs myshkin says i'm not allowed to play with them so i'll have to turn the anonymous comments off for now.

is this just a kwinky dink or did j's dad read and react to the comments i made to his number one son?

if it really is j's dad sending me all these anonymous comments, i only have one thing to say:

GOD LOVES ME....... SO I GOT THAT GOING FOR ME TOO!!

J pops in

2006-05-17T09:59:00.000-07:00

Life is sweet, seeing barry bonds get plunked by some houston pitcher after knocking him off the plate a few times made me and ruby happy. So happy in fact that we were experiencing a state of bliss when we heard a tapping on the door. Ususally ruby jumps to attention and puts on good show when she hears any noise that activates the security microchip in her brain. But with her sore leg, she just gives me the look that says, “you better get that.”

I went to the door and there was old J in all his glory. I invited him in and was hoping to see a few replays of barry bonds getting hit. It was only a slider and he was wearing his full body armor but it was still a moment to remember. J gave me look that implied he wanted me to turn the tv off. I picked up the remote and turned up the volume a little. Ruby gave me a look of approval.

“how have you been leo?” J took a seat without me offering him one. I would have offered him a seat eventually but was more interested in seeing barry bonds get hit by the slider.

“never better” I thought about my answer then qualified it, “I’ve probably had better days but seeing the juice king get knocked down in Houston made my evening.” I turned up the volume a little more and put the remote back on the coffee table.

J looked at the remote then returned his gaze to me. “I sense a difference in you. You have an attitude I’ve never detected before.”

I was keeping one eye on the game but trying to be polite to J at the same time. “look J, I’ve always thought you were a pretty cool dude and I still do. But that father of yours just rubs me the wrong way.”

J smiled. “I think lots of people think that way but no one ever says it. To be honest I don’t think he’s the best dad in the world but he’s all I have. He’s also a lot more fun when he’s not working.”

I turned away from the tv and faced J. “here’s the deal. I’ve been reading a fair bit of the new testament lately and i have finally come to my senses.”

J was beginning to look concerned. “please continue.”

I looked at ruby then back to J. “I am an honest and honorable man and will not suffer disrespect from any man or deity. I will no longer accept being called a dirty gentile by your dad’s chosen people.”

J gave me stern look. “have you renounced your faith?”

“I haven’t renounced anything and I’m not turning in my credentials. I simply refuse to be a second class citizen any more.” It felt good getting that off my chest. I also felt good letting J and his dad know that they weren’t the only game in town.

ok, now i need a new messiah. several people come to mind. right now these 2 guys are near the top of the list but there are many paths that all lead in the correct direction. all i know right now is i want a leader who treats me better than the old one. my potential messiahs:

god bless mexico

2006-05-15T15:01:00.000-07:00

Illegal Immigrants Returning To Mexico For American Jobs

May 3, 2006 | Issue 42•18

MEXICO CITY—As dozens of major American corporations continue to move their manufacturing operations to Mexico, waves of job-seeking Mexican immigrants to the United States have begun making the deadly journey back across the border in search of better-paying Mexican-based American jobs.

"I came to this country seeking the job I sought when I first left this country," said Anuncio Reyes, 22, an undocumented worker who recrossed the U.S. border into Mexico last month, three years after leaving Mexico for the United States to work as an agricultural day laborer. "I spent everything I had to get back here. Yes, it was dangerous, and I miss my home. But as much as I love America, I have to go where the best American jobs are."

A group of Mexican workers make the dangerous trek home across the Rio Grande for their lunch break.

Reyes now works as a spot-welder on the assembly line of a Maytag large-appliance plant and earns $22 a day, most of which he sends back to his family in the U.S., who in turn send a portion of that back to the original family they left in Mexico. Like many former Mexican-Americans forced by circumstance to become American-Mexicans, Reyes dreams of one day bringing his relatives to Mexico so that they, too, may secure American employment in Mexico.

Despite the considerable risk illegal immigrants face in returning across the border, many find the lure of large U.S. factory salaries hard to resist—at 15 percent of the pay of corresponding jobs in America, these positions pay three times what Mexican jobs do.

Still, the danger is very real. When 31-year-old illegal Arizona resident Ignacio Jimenez sought employment at an American plant in Mexico, he was shot at by Mexican border guards as he attempted to illegally enter the country of his citizenship, pursued by U.S. immigration officials who thought he might be entering the country illegally, and fired upon again by a second group of U.S. Border Patrol agents charged with keeping valuable table-busing and food-delivery personnel inside American borders.

"It was a nightmare," Jimenez said. "Many became disoriented and panicked, and some were mixed in with immigrants going the other way across the Rio Grande and ended up swimming to the wrong country."

He added: "My cousin almost drowned. They fished him out and sent him back to wash dishes at T.G.I. Friday's."

Many say the trip across the border as illegal Mexican-American emigrants offers them a chance to land the American jobs in Mexico they never have been able to get as illegal Mexican-American immigrants in the U.S.

"It has always been my goal to have a good American job," Johnson Controls technician Camilla Torres, 27, said. "Many Mexicans now see Mexico as the land of opportunity. Mexicans will not stop trying to get here, no matter how much the Mexicans wish we would not."

Indeed, the trend of illegal re-emigration is causing great resentment among the local Mexican population, and tension between Mexicans and illegally re-entered Mexicans—dubbed repatriados—continues to build.

"I hate these Mexicans, always coming back here to Mexico from America and taking American jobs from the Mexicans who stayed in Mexico," said 55-year-old former Goodyear factory manager Juan-Miguel Diaz, who lost his job to a better-trained repatriado last March. "Why don't they go back to where they went to?"

Still, Jimenez, Reyes, and hundreds of others say they have no choice.

"The American Dream is alive and well in Mexico," Reyes said. "If I work hard, save my money, and plan well, I will be able to send my children to a good school—and who knows? If they study hard, perhaps they will get jobs someday at the new plant General Motors is building in China."

3 guesses what news source this came from, the first 2 don't count.

happy mother's day

2006-05-14T08:41:00.000-07:00

poor little ruby will never be a mother. part of the deal getting a dog from a shelter is they have to be spayed. years ago when i got rocket from the shelter they would give you the dog and tell you get her spayed. sort of an honor system sort of a deal. when i got ruby, there was no more honor system. they wouldn't give her to me until they spayed her.

although ruby will never be a mother, she isn't bitter about it. she would like to wish all the best to greg biffle's dog and all her children. ruby is still operating on 3 legs. she is getting a lot better at it though. she can run and jump like nobody's business now. i thought taking for a walk on 3 legs would be a piece of cake. no suck luck. she can still pull like crazy even though she's 1 leg short of a complete set. i don't know what the main characteristic is with pitbulls; physical strength or bull headed stubborness.

congrats to biffle on the race last night. if it couldn't be harvick, biffle's the next best thing in my mind. coast guard-national guard or boxer-german shepherd: i can live quite happily with all the above.

happy mother's day to every mother out there except for tony and eds mothers. they made the world a far worse place by giving birth to those two abominations.

mars

2006-05-12T14:26:00.000-07:00

this picture of mars was released yesterday. it's a real nice picture but who in their right mind would want to go there?

billions upon billions are needed to fund an expedition to mars and some people really want to go through with the trip. i may be narrow minded and short sighted but why in the wide world of sports would anyone want to go there? the trip there would not be first class, you'd probably be really cramped and have to pee and poop in your spacesuit.

i'd way rather go to mexico or hawaii and swim with the sea turtles.

sonny has been gone for 1 week now. there are 112 days left in his trip to mordor, i hope that old prick sauron doesn't bug him. for those of you keeping track, 112 days is equal to 3.61 chipmunk gestation periods.

guess who

2006-05-11T10:34:00.000-07:00

can you guess who these two guys are?

i'm not ashamed to admit that i like to watch pro rasslin. when i saw this promo for an upcoming movie i became unstuck in time, much like my good buddy billy pilgrim. the problem with becoming unstuck in time is you never know when you'll return to a different timeline or whether you'll remember everything that happened in the alternate timeline.

i just remembered how i experienced this photo in an alternate timeline.

the above photo is the future tony and ed of blogster will experience after they are busted for lewd behavior involving underage mexican rasslers.

i sincerely apologize to any mexican rasslers i may have offended by associating them with tony and ed.

my shields are down to 30%!!

2006-05-10T14:45:00.000-07:00

my shields are down to 30%. the number 1 ninja is gone for the summer and ruby is operating on 3 legs. i haven't been this vulnerable in years. i still have the little ninja but 2 ninjas are way better than 1. their strength grows exponentially as their numbers increase. mrs myshkin says we're too old to have any more little ninjas and it would take many years for a new born ninja to develop into a competent defender of the realm. in short, i'm fucked if ruby doesn't quit feeling sorry for herself and start sucking it up.

on the bright side i got an e-mail from the number 1 ninja last night. he has made it through the first 5 nights in the wilderness and has 114 more to go. in musical terms if i stick "the essential ben webster" in the cd player and hit repeat, it will play 2,521.66 times before i see sonny again. i like ben webster but i'll have to switch selections a few times before he returns.

i have to log out now and keep an eye on that little ferengi bastard across the street. if he realizes my shields are down, he may attempt a sortie on me and ruby.

ruby has an owie!

2006-05-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

ruby has been a three legged princess for the last day or so. she refuses to put any weight on her rear left paw. ruby was barking like she usually does and the lovely mrs myshkin went outside with a broom to try and get her to behave. i didn't witness the incident and ruby doesn't speak english so i don't know what happened. all i know is ruby is wallowing in self pity and there is only one thing in this world that leo is really afraid of, that would be the lovely mrs myshkin.

ruby doesn't seem to be in pain, she just won't put any weight on her sore foot/leg. if she is still limping in a few days i may have to try and find a little courage and ask mrs myshkin to take her to the vet. if i was drinking copious amounts of beer i'd have lots of courage but right now i'm suffering from too much good judgement.

poor little ruby.

my name is ted kennedy

2006-05-07T07:19:00.000-07:00

3 guesses what car is pictured above and the first 2 don't count.

firstly i must confess to being a lefty. these lousy kennedys don't make it easy to be a lefty these days. ted kennedy has been a genuine fuck up for longer than i can remember. i don't think jfk was any saint either. he just happened to be in the right place at the right time. it was kinda like pro rasslin, jfk had nixon to be the bad guy and that enhanced his good guy image. there have been a long line of kennedys that have really done nothing but live off the wealth of old joseph and over-indulge in drugs and alcohol.

this is where my name is ted comes in. maybe ted should make a list of all his fuck ups just like earl has done and try to correct them. this may restore his karma. something tells me that ted's list would be longer than earl's list.

all this may lend a little credence to the theory of karma. there have been few people in history more corrupt and evil than old joseph kennedy. clever marketing and the right political payoffs combined with alleged mob ties delivered the presidency to old joseph but the question is; have his progeny truly enjoyed happiness on this little planet? i don't know the answer but i certainly hope they pay the price for their corruption and habitual lying in the next life.

does anyone believe patrick kennedy's story about the ambien? if you do, there's a bridge in baghdad i'd like to sell you.

oh yeah, congratulations to dale jr for the big win last night.